first thaw
cigarette butts
dog shit
They obviously just grow under the snow. Like daffodils.
Not really a first thaw. Just another.
(03-15-2015, 11:49 AM)71degrees Wrote: [ -> ]Not really a first thaw. Just another.
First thaw is the dirtiest.
i like the dog buts out of it. no change suggestions here.
Yup, it's a haiku. Well done.
(03-15-2015, 09:25 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]first thaw
cigarette butts
dog shit
I can see the dirty snow now.
(10-06-2015, 08:32 AM)justlikeyou Wrote: [ -> ] (03-15-2015, 09:25 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]first thaw
cigarette butts
dog shit
I can see the dirty snow now.
In October? How the hell far south do you live?
I meant the vision the poem produced in my head.
Just dog shit? Aww. I was hoping for a Frank Zappa song.
(03-15-2015, 09:25 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]first thaw
cigarette butts
dog shit
First line: Hum, I don't know. Now, I don't live in a place with seasons, but isn't first thaw essentially a neutral term? It implies spring, sure, but it also implies all the mess of muck that comes with spring -- or something, not really sure. Just, it
is too neutral to actually inspire well enough the turn.
Second line, supposed turn: And in my first few reads of the poem, I really didn't get that whole thing where first thaw
reveals the butts and the shit. I feel you're banking on us a bit too much (although a lot of other peeps seemed to get it: maybe this is just a weakness of having never really experienced spring?) there, by even removing "reveals". That is, with reveals, the whole thing would probably be clearer.
Third line: I got nothing. The cigarette butts are already enough to show what I think your point is, that amidst the fun of spring, there's a lot of shit going on. Really, with the above three-word distillation of your haiku in mind, that third line actually does seem like a joke: shit coming outta smokers butts. I guess it emphasizes the whole mess of spring, but it's not really a pointy emphasis for me, and again, the mood of spring's not really conveyed (but this might be again just my tropical experience) by the first line.
(03-15-2015, 09:25 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]first thaw
cigarette butts
dog shit
I really enjoy the strong image of this. The twist doesn't quite work for me because I can't see "first thaw" as an absolute positive, in some places it could mean the flooding of ice break or some other disaster. I think if you could make that line a clear positive expectation it might work better. Maybe a title of City 'Ku.
But on the whole it worked for me, I got it.
(03-15-2015, 09:25 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote: [ -> ]first thaw
cigarette butts
dog shit
While some haiku don't require it, I think this one needs a "-" to communicate the pivot
* point:
first thaw -
cigarette butts
dog shit
* From Wiki:
"The essence of haiku is "cutting" (kiru). This is often represented by the juxtaposition of
two images or ideas separated by a kireji ("cutting word") between them which signals the moment of separation
and colors the manner in which the juxtaposed elements are related."
From me: The cutting can also be signalled by the "-" punctuation mark OR by the whole second line:
herons flying
through the mist
an autumn moon
And it's not just haiku: ALL poetry, literature, rhetorical discourse, uses this devise.
Sonnets! So MUCH so for these things which, as far as I've seen, only Leanne has mastered.