The world breaks everyone

[shemthepenman]

hello,

The world breaks everyone - yep, the title is interesting right away.

I walked through the woods
To St.James infirmary
And spent the night
With my cool and clean baby
Till the worms started feeding on the roots. - nice little reference to st. james infirmary blues[I was down to St. James infirmary, I saw my baby there She was stretched out on a long white table, So sweet, cool and so fair], which is a bonus. it has that lyrical feel to it, in any case.
 
Outside,
        The trees waved their black roots - i don't mind the image of trees waving their black roots, yet, i would question the effectiveness of having the words roots finishing two close lines.
        Mourned their miscarried fruits - though i think this an interesting idea [miscarried fruits], i can't help thinking the anthropomorphic 'mourned' sounds weak and lazy - not to mention punctuation would help give some clarity.
        Choked six feet deep
        In the rich dirt. - i am not sure having no punctuation is a good idea; not only have you used punctuation [the comma and the full stop], and therefore show a lack of confidence; but also, there is a lot going on and the flow is broken by the reader having to arrange everything to make sense.
 
We could see it all
Naked in the infirmary bed
And we smiled and stuck - i like it. the way these lines all flow into each other. i really like 'we smiled and stuck', but again, i think some actual punctuation is needed.
Our roots
Would not break
We would not break
We would not-
Break. - i don't think the reiteration is necessary.
And we were
Very brave
And very strong
And very gentle -ok, one can get away with using 'very' once, but 3 times :/
And the worms fed on the roots
And then the fruits. - oh look, a full stop! anyway, i can't help thinking this poem ended after the first 'we would not break'; the rest is a bit of a 'skip!'

i hope you can make sense of my comments... i am extremely tired and i am not sure if it even makes sense to me...