09-10-2015, 05:41 AM
Notch- I'm going to let you know how this one hits me piece by piece... see in-line comments:
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth: as his spirit hovered over the face of the waters, he said, "Let there be light", and there was light; and all the rest of the world followed out of the void, like the tail of a comet chasing after a star. So, we have the Genesis story with a comet added on. A comet being the stuff of life, I see how this relates to your title.
2 – The SchoolboyThe shift from PT1 to PT2 is so jarring that I would be lost unless I knew that several more PTs are yet to follow. What is the set-up that the "The Schoolboy" will perform? Don't know, but the hook has been set quite nicely.
The air is always flat this time of night,
flat and cold and quiet, like the lake outside The simile lake/air saves the 1st line: "the air is always flat..." Otherwise I'd never get it...
in wintertime. I slow my breathing down: OK The lake is frozen
I don't want to break the ice. I was wondering where S.1 would lead and appreciate how you wrap it quite effectively
When I go to bed, I never shut my light, [/color]
a sun lamp. Why does no one let me walk outside?
There, the twisted trunks of oak never shift,
unlike the shadows of my bed.HMM... our schoolboy has internal troubles... I am asking, "why is he being cloistered? Why have the invisible parents locked him away? Another hook is set...
Like the shadows of my bed, the wilderness at night
is home to creatures fanged and clawed; but outside,
at least, the horrors are familiar, real and steady
in their motives, while my bed-sheets
shelter only water.He's a bed-wetter??
I've been swallowed whole before. I remember light,
cold moonlight, crashing through the winter ice outside,
filling my lungs, choking me, washing away my steady,
never failing faith. Then, I was pulled up
by the rooster's crow.Though it took a couple of very well constructed stanzas to get there I see the connection @ "never failing faith". Very effective enjamb @ "...pulled up/ by the rooster's crow[ /b]
[b]PT 2 leaves me with a predicament: I have now been introduced to this schoolboy, who I expect to appear later on in the poem. So, something later on will need to relate back, or I'll be left wondering why this PT 2 is even in this poem.
I''ll tackle PT 3 in my next post...
Dang, 'Notch, this is a lot to digest...
...Mark[/b]
Notch- I continue into PT 3... Mark
3 – The Passionate Youth[b]Our schoolboy has now grown into a "passionate youth". This part's title leads me to believe that all subsequent parts will be speaking about the same person, as that person ages. If I'm wrong about that, then it's too late, because that's where I see this poem heading
From the waters and the earth God created man, forming him with his own hands, in his own image: and he breathed in him the Breath of Life, and he blessed him with the Garden of Paradise, and he gave him his Word. Then the LORD God made three women. He did?? The hook for PT 3 is set.
The first was formed by the Word of God from the light, and she was the true companion of man; her name was Desire. But Adam saw her creation in his waking: and he found Disgust in her flesh, and Disease in her blood, and Destruction in her bones: and he scorned her. And she left the garden in Despair, and she found refuge in the Dreams of man; she was a Virgin, with perfect youth and beauty.
The second was formed from every inch of flesh and blood and bone of Adam as he slept, and her name was Lilith. She saw herself as the true equal of man: but God knew that she could not cover him to receive his seed, so he exiled her from the garden. And she became the Mother of the Lilin, the demons of the night.
The third was formed from the rib of Adam as he slept, and she was named Eve. And man and woman left the garden together, after they ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil; and man died toiling, as woman grew old, becoming a Bearer of Wisdom.
The first two women I am not familiar with, so now know what my limitations are in my reading. The third, of course, is the one we all have heard about. At least anybody with a remote sense of the Christian religion. I am wondering how we got from our schoolboy to this point. Has the schoolboy become someone symbolic of Adam?? In fact, all of PT 3 has the feel of a dream sequence, with the writer conjuring a new myth. For what purpose? Perhaps we shall find out... so I read on... a bit confused now, but still intrigued by the story
I need to re-read PT 4 - The Justice, to try to figure out what is happening. Does the Passionate Youth grow to become a justice, or are we talking about the more abstract justice of it all? [/b]
4 – The Justice
When Man lost his arm, his father was reborn,
his father the sinner, the crooked something symbolic happening here that's going right by my grasp
boy: and when his father rejoined the heavens, the instrument returned,
fully grown: from the blood-red seed of the pomegranate tree
to the trunk of the tree of life. this line draws me back to our schoolboy, and There, the twisted trunks of oak never shift
There are no questions to be asked;
there are no answers to be given.
Death flies at the face of life,
as the body returns to the waters and the earth,
feeding the woods, the wolves, the carrion
beetles, the fish, the fowl–
and the spirit flies over the face of the waters,
returning to God the breath of life,
as the soul falls into the hands of the multitude...This stanza is an interesting interpretation
Only comfort. Man lost his arm three times. hmm... we had 3 women and a repetition of 3 here. Somehow makes me conjure the "holy trinity" in my weak brain
On the first, he lost his way,
but he became a king.
On the second, he lost his home,
but he received his love.
On the third, he lost his father,
but he saved the multitude... this part begs my familiarity with another biblical story, but my memory fails me
Be still: here she comes,
walking down the milky way. Holy mackerel! the first woman returns, the Virgin. From where do I draw this conclusion?? Don't know... but that's how it hit me. Every time I read it. You true intent may be lost on me forever at this point, but too bad, my twisted mind is now making its own sense of this poem
5 – The Prophet Has our schoolboy now grown into The Prophet, or am I so off base now that I'm hopeless as your reader? Doesn't much matter, because I'm still intrigued by whatever is going here.
Today, my navel outshines me, this little hook is going to lead me to big trouble
for today, it is a dying star
huffing its desperate last breath.
The immense pressure of gravity's hands
ever-squeezing its fiery core
at last compounds its every facet
into a heavy hole in time.
Its shell of gas and light erupts
into a splendid rainbow of dust,
of carbon and oxygen, iron and nitrogen,
of water, earth, wind, and flame,
of all the material elements.
And this great cloud of stardust scatters
beyond the world of my humble body, this line reinforces the trouble: I would swear you are talking about cutting a huge. mother-of- creation fart. Did I just say "fart"? Yes I did. See the trouble I've gotten into?
beyond the womb of mother earth,
beyond the weirs across the heavens,
to create a brilliant legacy for its father
by calling forth the comet. YIPES!! Suddenly a reference back to the shortest part: PT 1, where you introduced the comet at the end of the creation story. Is it enough to hold the entire story together for this reader?? Oddly, YES, it does. Not sure how you did that but...
6 – Epilogue
And the Word of God released the waters above and the waters below. For many days and many nights the windows of the heavens were opened, and the fountains of the earth overflowed; and the waters of death mingled with the waters of life: and the waters swelled and swelled, so that all the surface of the earth was covered, even the tops of the mountains, and all the spaces of the heavens were flooded, even the seats of the stars, and all the beasts of the earth were drowned, even the fish and the fowl; and their bodies floated on the face of the waters, then blackened and bloated with rot, then sank again into the seas, upon the wet earth, and even unto the waters beneath the earth: and all the world was rendered formless and void... part 6 brings the great flood. Another biblical story that you've -rewritten rather nicely. So, the Song of Life is the circle of life, and we're back to the beginning... I'll buy it. Don't know why, but it's my mind's money and if I want to spend on appreciation for this poem, then I will...
Dang 'notch, that was like pulling teeth, and possibly of no help. I just wanted to let you know a little bit of how my mind processed this piece, and perhaps that may give you some clues for any further edits. Or not. Oh man... I still need to work through the Death March Song.... I'll get to it ASAI can... Mark
SONG OF DEATH
So, the world is round!
It has its ups and downs--
A water-wheel
Guided by the Miller and His Son,
Begotten One.
Round and round the circle goes
With the river's flow,
And how the gears and axles spin,
Guide the milling stone
Grinding corn.
Soon, the spokes break down,
As mold and age corrupt the round--
A brief command!
So arrives the Son
To pull us out.
Then, to each, a place is given:
Either the oven
To cook the family's meal of bread
Or the central hearth
To give them warmth.[/b]
In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth: as his spirit hovered over the face of the waters, he said, "Let there be light", and there was light; and all the rest of the world followed out of the void, like the tail of a comet chasing after a star. So, we have the Genesis story with a comet added on. A comet being the stuff of life, I see how this relates to your title.
2 – The SchoolboyThe shift from PT1 to PT2 is so jarring that I would be lost unless I knew that several more PTs are yet to follow. What is the set-up that the "The Schoolboy" will perform? Don't know, but the hook has been set quite nicely.
The air is always flat this time of night,
flat and cold and quiet, like the lake outside The simile lake/air saves the 1st line: "the air is always flat..." Otherwise I'd never get it...
in wintertime. I slow my breathing down: OK The lake is frozen
I don't want to break the ice. I was wondering where S.1 would lead and appreciate how you wrap it quite effectively
When I go to bed, I never shut my light, [/color]
a sun lamp. Why does no one let me walk outside?
There, the twisted trunks of oak never shift,
unlike the shadows of my bed.HMM... our schoolboy has internal troubles... I am asking, "why is he being cloistered? Why have the invisible parents locked him away? Another hook is set...
Like the shadows of my bed, the wilderness at night
is home to creatures fanged and clawed; but outside,
at least, the horrors are familiar, real and steady
in their motives, while my bed-sheets
shelter only water.He's a bed-wetter??
I've been swallowed whole before. I remember light,
cold moonlight, crashing through the winter ice outside,
filling my lungs, choking me, washing away my steady,
never failing faith. Then, I was pulled up
by the rooster's crow.Though it took a couple of very well constructed stanzas to get there I see the connection @ "never failing faith". Very effective enjamb @ "...pulled up/ by the rooster's crow[ /b]
[b]PT 2 leaves me with a predicament: I have now been introduced to this schoolboy, who I expect to appear later on in the poem. So, something later on will need to relate back, or I'll be left wondering why this PT 2 is even in this poem.
I''ll tackle PT 3 in my next post...
Dang, 'Notch, this is a lot to digest...
...Mark[/b]
Notch- I continue into PT 3... Mark
3 – The Passionate Youth[b]Our schoolboy has now grown into a "passionate youth". This part's title leads me to believe that all subsequent parts will be speaking about the same person, as that person ages. If I'm wrong about that, then it's too late, because that's where I see this poem heading
From the waters and the earth God created man, forming him with his own hands, in his own image: and he breathed in him the Breath of Life, and he blessed him with the Garden of Paradise, and he gave him his Word. Then the LORD God made three women. He did?? The hook for PT 3 is set.
The first was formed by the Word of God from the light, and she was the true companion of man; her name was Desire. But Adam saw her creation in his waking: and he found Disgust in her flesh, and Disease in her blood, and Destruction in her bones: and he scorned her. And she left the garden in Despair, and she found refuge in the Dreams of man; she was a Virgin, with perfect youth and beauty.
The second was formed from every inch of flesh and blood and bone of Adam as he slept, and her name was Lilith. She saw herself as the true equal of man: but God knew that she could not cover him to receive his seed, so he exiled her from the garden. And she became the Mother of the Lilin, the demons of the night.
The third was formed from the rib of Adam as he slept, and she was named Eve. And man and woman left the garden together, after they ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil; and man died toiling, as woman grew old, becoming a Bearer of Wisdom.
The first two women I am not familiar with, so now know what my limitations are in my reading. The third, of course, is the one we all have heard about. At least anybody with a remote sense of the Christian religion. I am wondering how we got from our schoolboy to this point. Has the schoolboy become someone symbolic of Adam?? In fact, all of PT 3 has the feel of a dream sequence, with the writer conjuring a new myth. For what purpose? Perhaps we shall find out... so I read on... a bit confused now, but still intrigued by the story
I need to re-read PT 4 - The Justice, to try to figure out what is happening. Does the Passionate Youth grow to become a justice, or are we talking about the more abstract justice of it all? [/b]
4 – The Justice
When Man lost his arm, his father was reborn,
his father the sinner, the crooked something symbolic happening here that's going right by my grasp
boy: and when his father rejoined the heavens, the instrument returned,
fully grown: from the blood-red seed of the pomegranate tree
to the trunk of the tree of life. this line draws me back to our schoolboy, and There, the twisted trunks of oak never shift
There are no questions to be asked;
there are no answers to be given.
Death flies at the face of life,
as the body returns to the waters and the earth,
feeding the woods, the wolves, the carrion
beetles, the fish, the fowl–
and the spirit flies over the face of the waters,
returning to God the breath of life,
as the soul falls into the hands of the multitude...This stanza is an interesting interpretation
Only comfort. Man lost his arm three times. hmm... we had 3 women and a repetition of 3 here. Somehow makes me conjure the "holy trinity" in my weak brain
On the first, he lost his way,
but he became a king.
On the second, he lost his home,
but he received his love.
On the third, he lost his father,
but he saved the multitude... this part begs my familiarity with another biblical story, but my memory fails me
Be still: here she comes,
walking down the milky way. Holy mackerel! the first woman returns, the Virgin. From where do I draw this conclusion?? Don't know... but that's how it hit me. Every time I read it. You true intent may be lost on me forever at this point, but too bad, my twisted mind is now making its own sense of this poem
5 – The Prophet Has our schoolboy now grown into The Prophet, or am I so off base now that I'm hopeless as your reader? Doesn't much matter, because I'm still intrigued by whatever is going here.
Today, my navel outshines me, this little hook is going to lead me to big trouble
for today, it is a dying star
huffing its desperate last breath.
The immense pressure of gravity's hands
ever-squeezing its fiery core
at last compounds its every facet
into a heavy hole in time.
Its shell of gas and light erupts
into a splendid rainbow of dust,
of carbon and oxygen, iron and nitrogen,
of water, earth, wind, and flame,
of all the material elements.
And this great cloud of stardust scatters
beyond the world of my humble body, this line reinforces the trouble: I would swear you are talking about cutting a huge. mother-of- creation fart. Did I just say "fart"? Yes I did. See the trouble I've gotten into?
beyond the womb of mother earth,
beyond the weirs across the heavens,
to create a brilliant legacy for its father
by calling forth the comet. YIPES!! Suddenly a reference back to the shortest part: PT 1, where you introduced the comet at the end of the creation story. Is it enough to hold the entire story together for this reader?? Oddly, YES, it does. Not sure how you did that but...
6 – Epilogue
And the Word of God released the waters above and the waters below. For many days and many nights the windows of the heavens were opened, and the fountains of the earth overflowed; and the waters of death mingled with the waters of life: and the waters swelled and swelled, so that all the surface of the earth was covered, even the tops of the mountains, and all the spaces of the heavens were flooded, even the seats of the stars, and all the beasts of the earth were drowned, even the fish and the fowl; and their bodies floated on the face of the waters, then blackened and bloated with rot, then sank again into the seas, upon the wet earth, and even unto the waters beneath the earth: and all the world was rendered formless and void... part 6 brings the great flood. Another biblical story that you've -rewritten rather nicely. So, the Song of Life is the circle of life, and we're back to the beginning... I'll buy it. Don't know why, but it's my mind's money and if I want to spend on appreciation for this poem, then I will...
Dang 'notch, that was like pulling teeth, and possibly of no help. I just wanted to let you know a little bit of how my mind processed this piece, and perhaps that may give you some clues for any further edits. Or not. Oh man... I still need to work through the Death March Song.... I'll get to it ASAI can... Mark
SONG OF DEATH
So, the world is round!
It has its ups and downs--
A water-wheel
Guided by the Miller and His Son,
Begotten One.
Round and round the circle goes
With the river's flow,
And how the gears and axles spin,
Guide the milling stone
Grinding corn.
Soon, the spokes break down,
As mold and age corrupt the round--
A brief command!
So arrives the Son
To pull us out.
Then, to each, a place is given:
Either the oven
To cook the family's meal of bread
Or the central hearth
To give them warmth.[/b]