To Lick Glass

[kaxtar1]

To Lick Glass

I licked the frosted glass to make it clearer.
As glass cleared away I saw the world dearer,
and it saw me.
I traded privacy
to taste frost you can no longer see.

I traded my bare naked corpse,
in return, I saw another's.
A fleshy thing, to be sure.
But I could only taste love
if her tongue found a cove
with me along.  Then we'd
be happy together- But,
we'd both be naked.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello KAX-

See my in-line comments, please.

To Lick Glass enticing title

I licked the frosted glass to make it clearer. This line confused the hell outta me, I'm afraid. I can actually see it, but it looks comical, but I get the feeling "To Lick Glass" is not a funny poem
As glass cleared away I saw the world dearer, Wait a minute. Read it to yourself, "as glass cleared away" . Wouldn't it be the frost that cleared away??
and it saw me. I know it's not the glass that saw you. Will I get a clue??
I traded privacy
to taste frost you can no longer see. OK, I follow you... but where are we going? This line is pointing in a very obscure direction. I still don't know what "saw me"

I traded my bare naked corpse, TIME OUT!! When did you die??
in return, I saw another's. Oh man, I'm really getting lost now,,,
A fleshy thing, to be sure. Now a "musical" line ????
But I could only taste love another TIME OUT! This is getting too abstract...
if her tongue found a cove found a what?? a "cove?? I'm falling away fast... real fast
with me along.  Then we'd ... away and away, I'm falling...
be happy together- But,
we'd both be naked. I've fallen too far away for this line to have anything but comical impact. I'm sorry. Your poem. My eyes. Big dis-connect on this one.

I tried KAX. I did. But you ushered me into abstraction and left me naked on a busy street, waiting for the bus.... Perhaps someone else will feel differently, but I gotta tell ya straight.

... Mark

[billy]

i know this is serious and deserving of a line by line; or should be worthy, but i can only bring myself to generalise and to some extent agree with mark above. it flits from here to there without connections. in some instances it defines logic. a suggestion would be to post in mild or novice for some less in depth feedback.

can something be clearer than clear? the whole first stanza needs to be re thought and reworded in way as to allow the reader to wish to carry on reading. [specially in serious]

[John]

Hi, Kax,

I've spent a couple of hours on this, because 'serious workshopping' deserves more than general feedback, and we're here to help each other and learn. And it's two hours of my life I'll never get back. Poems in serious workshopping ought to pre-suppose at least a half-competent author, and I should know my place... But in this case, No.  

This is so far removed from anything serious, that I concur with billy and suggest you put it in novice for general comment.

There's so much awry with it, I'm not going to start. But thanks for the opportunity to read it. Poems aren't easy.

[just mercedes]

To Lick Glass

I licked the frosted glass to make it clearer. verbiage
As glass cleared away I   to see  the world dearer,
and it saw me.
I traded privacy
to taste frost you I can no longer see.

I traded my bare naked corpse, either word - they mean the same. 'traded' has already been used.
in return, I saw for another's.
A fleshy thing, to be sure.
But I could only taste love You lost me from here on. But you have a poem somewhere here, in the above lines.
if her tongue found a cove
with me along.  Then we'd
be happy together- But,
we'd both be naked.

I licked the frosted glass
to see the world
and it saw me.

I traded privacy
to taste frost I can no longer see.



That's getting towards a poem. I played with what you'd written because it's in Serious Workshopping.



That's just my opinion, of course. Cut out words until you expose the poem. Her tongue and your cove might find a place of pride then.