09-09-2015, 11:58 PM
Ok now let me see:
Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.
The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."**
I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.
*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus
[/quote]
I think it would be better to start the poem from L2 as L1 does not seem to add to the poem in any way and seems a rather weak opener.
1. "The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night."
2. "The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars."
3. "I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar"
I think all these are instances of rather weak use of imagery or sonic effects.
Lets start with 1. where the car gently parts the darkness. I assume you are speaking of car headlights. And Im afraid "parting the darkness" is simply not a very fresh way to describe this. Its obscure and at the same time tired.
2. "The sky is empty" and then you go on to say "but some distance away/ city lights..." I think you can do a better segueway than "but" between the image of an empty night sky and the flickering city lights. Also, you say that the night sky is empty. Then what stars are there for the city lights to swallow?
3. What does it mean for a car to clutter softly? Clutter means to make untidy. It just doesn't make sense when used along with the word softly.
Now the quotations. Now it feels like the poem is something against modern civilization with the quote from Ozymandias and the quote about fire from Prometheus. However I feel that you could try and get to the core of what you are trying to say and why these two quotes speak to you instead of justing inserting them in there.
Finally, the last stanza just doesn't hold up for me. I take nothing away from it except for some sort of vague bland melancholy for...something.
I feel there is definitely a good poem in here somewhere though. You definitely are on to something. But this draft of the poem is unfocused and as such the impact on the reader is diluted.
Best of luck writing!!
Tires rolling down a strip of asphalt,
The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night.
The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars.
"Look upon these, ye mighty, and be dismayed*
Oh gods, we need no titans to bring us these flames."**
I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar
That mars a land where perhaps some lofty
Vagrant once trod to gaze up, alone, at the stars.
*Ozymandias by Shelly
**Myth of Prometheus
[/quote]
I think it would be better to start the poem from L2 as L1 does not seem to add to the poem in any way and seems a rather weak opener.
1. "The car gently parts the darkness,
And I, insulated, stare blankly out
Of tinted windows to the stark night."
2. "The sky is empty, but some distance away
City lights flicker as they swallow up stars."
3. "I mutter vacantly. The car clutters softly
Away on its trek upon some track of tar"
I think all these are instances of rather weak use of imagery or sonic effects.
Lets start with 1. where the car gently parts the darkness. I assume you are speaking of car headlights. And Im afraid "parting the darkness" is simply not a very fresh way to describe this. Its obscure and at the same time tired.
2. "The sky is empty" and then you go on to say "but some distance away/ city lights..." I think you can do a better segueway than "but" between the image of an empty night sky and the flickering city lights. Also, you say that the night sky is empty. Then what stars are there for the city lights to swallow?
3. What does it mean for a car to clutter softly? Clutter means to make untidy. It just doesn't make sense when used along with the word softly.
Now the quotations. Now it feels like the poem is something against modern civilization with the quote from Ozymandias and the quote about fire from Prometheus. However I feel that you could try and get to the core of what you are trying to say and why these two quotes speak to you instead of justing inserting them in there.
Finally, the last stanza just doesn't hold up for me. I take nothing away from it except for some sort of vague bland melancholy for...something.
I feel there is definitely a good poem in here somewhere though. You definitely are on to something. But this draft of the poem is unfocused and as such the impact on the reader is diluted.
Best of luck writing!!