09-09-2015, 12:45 AM
Slight edits, and since they're so small, I don't really see the need to spoiler the earlier draft. For SONG OF LIFE, added "out of the void" to the prologue for a stronger sense of the ring, removed most of the and's in the third stanza of the justice for a better sense of rhythm, and added "and the waters swelled and swelled" and changed "all the space of the heavens was flooded" to "all the spaces of the heavens were flooded" to and in the epilogue for easing diction. For SONG OF DEATH, changed "Then arrives the Son / and pulls us out" to "So arrives the Son / to pull us out" for a better fit with the next stanza.
Note: I feel like the SONG OF LIFE is missing a nadir, something to expand on the sense of slight misogyny and loss on the third section, to establish some of the symbols of the fourth section, and to root the entire poem to something more concrete, more immediate, but for now, I'm still thinking about how to do it. I am sure, though, that I'll put that in the exact middle of the poem, especially since the bits that need it are right around that area.
Note: I feel like the SONG OF LIFE is missing a nadir, something to expand on the sense of slight misogyny and loss on the third section, to establish some of the symbols of the fourth section, and to root the entire poem to something more concrete, more immediate, but for now, I'm still thinking about how to do it. I am sure, though, that I'll put that in the exact middle of the poem, especially since the bits that need it are right around that area.