1:43

[Todd]

Hi Jenn, welcome to the site: 

The way I read this poem. Something significant happened at this moment in time, and the speaker is forever locked in this loop. A few comments below:

1:43, --This is one 1:43 too many for me when you use it in the title. I think you can start with the next line.
it's always 1:43. 

Time has stopped moving,
it's left only you. 
Circling me,
consuming me,
abusing me.--These last three lines are what I tend to call shorthand. They don't really convey much other than being descriptive tags. You'd be better served cutting them or replacing them with one or two more specific images.

Put your chest against my back,
the way you used to. 
I want to slow our hearts to the same speed.
Only for a minute,
it's all the time I need,
so I can remember the synchronized beating.--I like this strophe. It presents an intimate picture, a relationship lost. You might think to add more desperation into the "Only for a minute, it's all the time I need" part. This would be a less repetitious inclusion of 1:43. Maybe "Only for a minute/but it's 1:43" something like that.

Scream in my face,
so I know you feel something.
Shake me if I'm day dreaming,
I may just be numb. --Not as evocative as the first part. Try not to also give us what we expect. Mix it up a little. Have a cause give slightly off but believable effect. Show more in the relationship so we care about the people.

Love me,
lose me,
hate me,
and remind me again which one of us won.--Not a bad last line. The two word lead ups are again throw away shorthand. You can do much better than that. They really don't say much. Dig a bit deeper.


Looking forward to getting some constructive feedback, especially around punctuation and flow.

I think this has good bones to it. I look forward to seeing where you take it.

I hope some of this helps.

Best,

Todd