08-25-2015, 12:23 AM
(07-31-2015, 01:31 PM)joesammsington Wrote: A diamond is your heart. a lot of your poem is worded out of order, and even if it was for meter, it's not helpful, imo. Also, very cliche
That I wish to steal
A prized piece of art
It is guarded by an eel i read this differently that a few of the critiques... I think the eel and snake are metaphors for an existing boyfriend... They are both phalic references.... I think perhaps mention the eel or snake here, then describe the same eel or snake later in the poem... I agree about keeping the animal consistent...
I cut your chest apart why. This makes no sense to me
That jewel I must take
But next to the heart
Lies the wretched snake
I kill it and smash it in two
Nothing will keep me from you
But yet again I am mocked by fate
By the fangs of the wretched snake
Which have have bitten deep into your heart no point in breaking the stanza up here.... It's the same thot[sic]....
Which I in vain attempt to restart
But cardiac arrest has settled in
Love will ever be my chagrin meh. I feel the poem ended in a different place that where it started and just took you along or the ride...