08-24-2015, 10:55 PM
Hello joe:
Of course, anything happens in poems, but as soon as you ripped open your love's chest the poem died for me (along with the loved one , too, I'm sure).
The "steal" "eel" rhyme is forced, thus unbelievable.
I guess metaphorical snakes can do anything they want, including bite into diamond.
Seems like once you settled on the "diamond heart" you cornered yourself in this one.
NOVICE is the right place for this poem as a lot of work is needed.
Piece of advice: try to stay accurate. Poems allow a lot of leeway, but metaphors quickly rum amok.
If the poem could talk it may say, "I love you darling, but now that I've torn open your chest and found eels and snakes, maybe not so much. Too bad that snake bit your diamond. And uh, now that you're dead, d'ya mind if I take that diamond?"
... Mark
Of course, anything happens in poems, but as soon as you ripped open your love's chest the poem died for me (along with the loved one , too, I'm sure).
The "steal" "eel" rhyme is forced, thus unbelievable.
I guess metaphorical snakes can do anything they want, including bite into diamond.
Seems like once you settled on the "diamond heart" you cornered yourself in this one.
NOVICE is the right place for this poem as a lot of work is needed.
Piece of advice: try to stay accurate. Poems allow a lot of leeway, but metaphors quickly rum amok.
If the poem could talk it may say, "I love you darling, but now that I've torn open your chest and found eels and snakes, maybe not so much. Too bad that snake bit your diamond. And uh, now that you're dead, d'ya mind if I take that diamond?"
... Mark