Your heart

[joesammsington]

I believe I posted this a while ago, and already got feedback on it. Thanks for your additional feedback guys, I'm just mildly confused since I don't recall having posted any poem recently.

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To me the poem seems disjointed.  I agree with the eel/snake switch.  I think you used eel simply to force a rhyme, never a good idea.  Also, the first two stanzas follow the same rhyming pattern, but that pattern completely falls apart in the last two stanzas.  I am far from an expert, but I think once you start with a certain style/pattern you need to maintain that through the piece.  If you are struggling with rhymes, then abandon it all together and use words that add emotion, or at least simplify the pattern to something you can maintain from beginning to end.  Make sure you are reading the piece out loud to yourself so that you can catch those areas where your meter breaks down.

I already posted this poem, a good twenty odd days ago, so it's strange as to why it's all of sudden here. Anyhow, yes I used eel to force a rhyme, which I agree was not good. Thanks for your advice on reading it out loud. I see where the rhyme scheme went off now.

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I agree with jennsmith61, changing between the eel/snake makes it strange...  Perhaps try sticking with the snake?  Also, perhaps try working on the meter?  I struggle with that a lot too.   Here is what I would do with the first stanza:

A diamond is your heart
I aim to make it mine
A priz-ed piece of art (meter things)
A serpent guards inside

Just my two cents!!  Keep at it!!   If you do decide to edit it, post it on here so we can see!

Thanks!

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Hi joesammsington - I like the strong symbolism you used in this poem with the diamond and snake, it made it easy for me to understand the deeper meaning as a reader. I get confused however with whether you mean to say there is both an eel and a snake guarding the heart or whether it is one animal/symbol?

One last comment is the first two lines of the last section. Rather than having them both start with 'Which', I thought maybe the first line could start with 'That'? Not 100% sure if this is grammatically correct for the structure of this poem as I am quite new here, but just a suggestion! Nice job overall.

Thank you! But yeah,I used eel to force a rhyme :(. Kind of pathetic.