08-23-2015, 02:12 AM
To me the poem seems disjointed. I agree with the eel/snake switch. I think you used eel simply to force a rhyme, never a good idea. Also, the first two stanzas follow the same rhyming pattern, but that pattern completely falls apart in the last two stanzas. I am far from an expert, but I think once you start with a certain style/pattern you need to maintain that through the piece. If you are struggling with rhymes, then abandon it all together and use words that add emotion, or at least simplify the pattern to something you can maintain from beginning to end. Make sure you are reading the piece out loud to yourself so that you can catch those areas where your meter breaks down.