08-22-2015, 01:20 AM
I like the poem. I really do, but I have a couple of comments.
I was actually thrown off in the beginning because I started reading it in the first person and had to go back and start again by the time I hit the third stanza. It possibly isn't necessary, but maybe you could set the perspective of the reader in the first line or two. The last two stanzas could use some work in my opinion. I understand what you are saying, but I am not feeling the whole "waiting room" metaphor. Maybe it is in the delivery, or maybe it is just me, but I feel that section needs some polish.
Finally, the final stanza could bring more closure to the moment. This is my interpretation of that moment: He is stuck in traffic at a standstill and is instantly thrown back into an internal conflict in his head over a failed relationship. An internal dialog and battle ensues that he has gone through a thousand times before. He realizes traffic is moving, these thoughts are flushed from his mind yet again, and he continues forward. If I am wrong, then I apologize, but I think these last two stanzas could be tightened up and used to bring this piece to a nice close.
I was actually thrown off in the beginning because I started reading it in the first person and had to go back and start again by the time I hit the third stanza. It possibly isn't necessary, but maybe you could set the perspective of the reader in the first line or two. The last two stanzas could use some work in my opinion. I understand what you are saying, but I am not feeling the whole "waiting room" metaphor. Maybe it is in the delivery, or maybe it is just me, but I feel that section needs some polish.
Finally, the final stanza could bring more closure to the moment. This is my interpretation of that moment: He is stuck in traffic at a standstill and is instantly thrown back into an internal conflict in his head over a failed relationship. An internal dialog and battle ensues that he has gone through a thousand times before. He realizes traffic is moving, these thoughts are flushed from his mind yet again, and he continues forward. If I am wrong, then I apologize, but I think these last two stanzas could be tightened up and used to bring this piece to a nice close.