Scotch's First Piece

[billy]

it's your poem, you find the title

i'll reiterate the inconsistent upper lower case, one or the other, i or I
get a spell checker; while some words get through recieves would not one of them [receives]
the piece is wordy. strip out any phrase or word that adds nothing; things like [I feel like]
on the first line you use know instead of known, keep an eye on such thing as the first line is one of the most important. replace these parts of the poem with original imaginative parts, or leave them out all together. replace as many cliches as possible with original parts.
it's don't, not [dont]

strip away most of the last verse and work with the parts that actually create an image, eternity, serenity, wish...this is the base but you have to be original and too the point. i land gently in your hand could be used but don't bury it with the silt of the mundanity.

I feel like ive know you for a very long time,
even since before we were children.
In the life before, and before that, further down the line, this line isn't really needed
when the world was just a lonely mountain. this is what you need to aim for, it's a good image of age.

I peer beyond the darkness, into another previous life, another and previous mean the same more or less in this use
And I am in a meadow, full of flowers, and tree full of green leaves.
The sun is spring time yellow, there is no chaos, no strife.
I am humbled by the sight, and the amount beauty this place recieves.

Then I see you, as this heavenly angel, in a bright white dress.
Coming down the mountain to play in the meadow.
Your movements are made in finesse, a gift of the goddess.
So familiar to me, but my memory is a shell, a silent echo.

I am this dandelion, so i cant remember where i met you before.
Then you see me, i can feel you gaze into my heart and soul.
Your smile comforts me, as you pick me out of my soil and core.
Out of all the other flowers, I am happy that you picked me from my grassy knoll.

Your gentle breath tickles me, as you whisper to me your wishes.
I tell you i will make your dreams come true,
Then you blow me away, high above the tree, sending me kisses.
And I dont care how high I am, I am happy to have just met you.

I land gently in your hand, after what seems like eternity,
Granting your one and only wish that I return
I recognize this feeling, when im with you, its called serenity.
Even if i lose myself through the ages, I always remember our hearts burn.


First off, this poem does not have a title. I am open to suggestions for a name for this particular piece. It is in its first draft and i would like to workshop and polish this piece to perfection for public display. Seeing as how i am very rusty at my creative writing i would like more experienced poets to analyze this piece as a creative writing instructor would. I couldnt figure out how to end the last stanza, and i would like some help there. thanks in advance pig pen poets.