Darkness (Revision #1)

[BrokenSoul]

Where is my light?
It once burned hot,
But only flickers remain. 

The love that once warmed me,
Now flows through another. 
Darkness falls. 

Anger and despair are my present.
My past was a lie.
So what is my truth?

Ignorance is my bliss,
But that is a facade. 
Truth can be seen...and felt.


Revision #1

The light begins to fade,
shrouded in a mist of deception.
Faint shadows are all that remain. 

The fire that once warmed me
now bathes another with its glow
as darkness falls around me.

Perhaps the light was never truly mine.
A phantom guiding me along a path with no end.
Where do I go from here?

I seek comfort in the shadows
where I cannot be seen.
But truth can be seen...and felt.

[fluorescent.43]

i like the general feeling of this poem, but i think it needs more detail. you tell this poem in first-person, so the lack of detail makes it too confusing. what caused your light to go away? why is your love flowing through another (by the way, that stanza was a bit cliché)? why are you angry and despairing? what about your past was a lie? what is the truth (that is the question everyone asks)?

i think this poem can get better with some editing, if you intend to do so. also, and this seems to be present in a lot of just-up-and-running poets, you capitalize every line. in my opinion, it can disrupt the flow occasionally but just to let you know there are other options out there.

anyhow, good luck.

43.

[billy]

hi broken, welcome to the site. first off, you need to give something of a more solid nature; looking at the poem it could be about almost anything. tie it down and claim it as direct link to what you want to say. show us something of depth.

Where is my light? are you a smoker?
It once burned hot, so the light was a candle? do thing burn cold?
But only flickers remain. [now it flickers]

make it real, what light, what was it like? use an image of how it burned hot, did it burn as hot as the pits of hades? as hot as a pair of testicles slathered with tiger balm? simile and metaphor are your friends when it comes to strengthening a poem.


The love that once warmed me,
Now flows through another. 
Darkness falls. 

Anger and despair are my present.
My past was a lie.
So what is my truth?

Ignorance is my bliss,
But that is a facade. 
Truth can be seen...and felt.

[BrokenSoul]

Thank you for the comments. I have just recently had a desire to read and learn more about poetry. This piece is literally the first time I ever sat down to write a poem. I will continue to read poetry and practice techniques. I will edit this piece after I have learned a bit more. Hopefully I stick with it for a time.

[Princess Consuela]

Where is my light?
It once burned hot,
But only flickers remain. 

The love that once warmed me,
Now flows through another. 
Darkness falls. 

Anger and despair are my present.
My past was a lie.
So what is my truth?

Ignorance is my bliss,
But that is a facade. 
Truth can be seen...and felt.

Broken soul, the speaker's emotion in this poem is palpable. The anger and resentment come through strongly which is great, but the poem is lacking in places. I like the image of the lights still flickering in the first stanza, the love/light has not been fully extinguished despite the hurt the poet feels. I feel like this image and idea could be developed a bit, possibly create a richer image of the light and how it came to fade. I also think the question in the first line is a bit redundant, if flickers remain, then the light is not essentially lost just dimmed.

In the penultimate stanza, I think that rather than just stating that anger and despair is what the speaker feels try to show this idea through more detailed imagery. Perhaps, the image of a person curled up in pain, or a tear stained face - something like that. I also think the stanza could do without the "so" for example:
My past was a lie.
What is my truth?

The feeling and emotion is clearly there but try to make the poem richer and more powerful, so that the reader can not only see that the speaker is in pain but actually feel this pain for themselves.

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Broken-

Welcome to the NICE (NovICE) area of the Pen.

Good job for a first attempt.   Now the learning begins, and never ends.

Where is my light?not a bad way to start
It once burned hot,I think you may have avoided "bright" on purpose, but then wound up stating the obvious: "burned hot" is repetitious. Best to just strike out "hot"
But only flickers remain. weird use of "flickers" which my brain usually reads as a verb.  Reading it as a noun causes the stumbles

The love that once warmed me,
Now flows through another. I'd buy it if it was clearer if it's love or warmth that now flows.
Darkness falls. could be put to better use if fleshed out a bt

Anger and despair are my present.Both "anger" and "despair" are abstractions that tell me nothing.  This is where readers need to be shown, not told.  
My past was a lie.
So what is my truth? fair enough for a leading question, but begs some kind of response

Ignorance is my bliss, way too close to cliche for comfort
But that is a facade.
Truth can be seen...and felt.Not sure how you got to this line from the previous. Feels like a line is missing ahead of this one.  Once again, you really need to flesh it out.

There are many missing pieces to this poem, and it's your job to figure out what is missing.  As the reader, I feel like you just did not offer me enough concrete to stand on.  Sorta like walking on a sidewalk with a lot of large cracks in it.

Read this piece aloud to yourself, and you may get a better feel for meter.  As is, it reads as very choppy.

Also, if you take out the arbitrary line breaks and write this as prose, you may notice where details are needed.

"Where is my light?  It once burned hot, but only flickers remain.  The love that once warmed me, now flows through another.   Darkness falls.   Anger and despair are my present.  My past was a lie.  So what is my truth?   Ignorance is my bliss, but that is a facade.  Truth can be seen...and felt."

Don't want to be too picky, but you'll also notice that every line should not start with a CAPITAL letter.

Still- very nice try for a first try. Seriously.
... Mark

[QDeathstar]

w

Where is my light?
It once burned hot, passion burning hot is a crutching cliche, and as others have mentioned, this lone doesn't work... perhaps speak to light as a guide, and the flickers below as loosing your momentum.
But only flickers remain. 

The love that once warmed me, after being abstract in the first stanza, why smack us in the face with this bit of concrete. subtlety.
Now flows through another. i think you are trying to make a metaphore here, but what flows? love?
Darkness falls. 

Anger and despair are my present.
My past was a lie. why so mysterious, what are you talking about?
So what is my truth?

Ignorance is my bliss, an awkward way to phrase a tired cliche.
But that is a facade. 
Truth can be seen...and felt. last line is interesting, but the rest of the poem needs work for it to be impactful.

[BrokenSoul]

I posted a revision above and am curious about your thoughts. I feel I made some substantial changes, while maintaining the feeling of the piece. I still have some issues with some elements but would like some feedback on whether I am going in the right direction.

[Todd]

Hi BrokenSoul,

I think you're taking the right approach with reading poems and working on technique. Especially when you're starting out, the poem is less important than stretching your creativity and working on technique. I don't want to overwhelm you with a bunch of stuff at this point. So, I'll share something that I think will help your writing a lot. You are developing an extended metaphor where light may stand for the love or the heat in a relationship that the speaker of the poem once thought was real, and now is questioning. That light is also being giving to someone else so there's an aspect of betrayal and pain. When you're building this kind of construct avoid what you did in line 2 "mist of deception". Trust the image just mention the mist. Yes you can break every rule, but for the most part it's weak writing. Let the image speak. Don't layer on characteristics that way. Remove anything like that from your poems and they will likely be much stronger.

Just a technique to consider.

Best,

Todd

Revision #1

The light begins to fade,
shrouded in a mist of deception.
Faint shadows are all that remain. 

The fire that once warmed me
now bathes another with its glow
as darkness falls around me.

Perhaps the light was never truly mine.
A phantom guiding me along a path with no end.
Where do I go from here?

I seek comfort in the shadows
where I cannot be seen.
But truth can be seen...and felt.

[just mercedes]

a [/s]mist of deception. Mist is a good image, and carries a message. I don't think you need 'deception'.
Faint shadows are all that remain. 

The fire that once warmed me
now bathes another with its glow (or 'glows on another, something like that?)
as darkness falls around me.

Perhaps the light was never truly mine.
A phantom guiding me along a path with no end. (endless path?) This line feels a bit wordy.
Where do I go from here? I'm not sure about the ending. I like the question, and the uncertainty about who is being addressed, but it's almost a cliche, so I'm not convinced.

I seek comfort in the shadows
where I cannot be seen.
But truth can be seen...and felt. I don't think you need this stanza at all. Maybe the first line of it could go back into the preceding stanza, before the question. 

[billy]

we all started out at a similar point in time. if you stick with it it does get easier still keep writing while reading 
the edit is ten times improved. still needs a fair bit of work but now you're shaping the bugger.

have a read through it and cut out anything that doesn't add to the poem;

just some ideas how to trim down excess. you could do it in many ways. the 3rd stanza needs a re write and the poem in general needs to be more original. great great editing so far.

Revision #1

The light begins to fades,
shrouded in a mist of deception.
Faint shadows are all that remain.

The fire that once warmed me
now bathes another with its glow
as darkness falls around me.

Perhaps the light was never truly mine.
A phantom guiding me along a path with no end.
Where do I go from here?

I seek comfort in the shadows
where I cannot be seen.
But truth can be seen...and felt.

quote='BrokenSoul' pid='196080' dateline='1441025823']
Thank you for the comments.  I have just recently had a desire to read and learn more about poetry.  This piece is literally the first time I ever sat down to write a poem.  I will continue to read poetry and practice techniques.  I will edit this piece after I have learned a bit more.  Hopefully I stick with it for a time.
[/quote]

quote='BrokenSoul' pid='196080' dateline='1441025823']
Thank you for the comments.  I have just recently had a desire to read and learn more about poetry.  This piece is literally the first time I ever sat down to write a poem.  I will continue to read poetry and practice techniques.  I will edit this piece after I have learned a bit more.  Hopefully I stick with it for a time.
[/quote]

[QDeathstar]

the revision is an improvement, I think

Revision #1

The light begins to fade, maybe scratch out 'the' and remove the comma
shrouded in a mist of deception.
Faint shadows are all that remain. 

The fire that once warmed me
now bathes another with its glow
as darkness falls around me. darkness falls around me is terribly cliche. I think maybe you can focus on feeling here, I'm not sure there is a lot of value in the light/dark contrast, especially when you trade the light for a feeling of warmth, but don't provide a contrasting feeling...

Perhaps the light was never truly mine.
A phantom guiding me along a path with no end.its the mirrors
Where do I go from here?

I seek comfort in the shadows saftey?
where I cannot be seen.
But truth can be seen...and felt.