08-20-2015, 07:29 AM
Ok Scotch-
First off, what' the story? Really- have a real story: beginning- middle - end. Seems like you are on the right track, there.
Read your poem/story aloud, and listen closely. This will help you with the meter. If you're listening hard enough, you'll know where to add/subtract words.
Poetry is also called VERSE. Why? Because, the root of the term "verse" means "to turn", and a poem, unlike prose, allows the writer to turn the lines at any time.
In the olden days, a typewriter would automatically insert a carriage return, and most word procs will turn at the margin settings. But, AHA! Not so with verse. You have the magical power to turn a line wherever you want. This is a very powerful poetic device.
Let's pick a random stanza and try it:
Your breath tickles me, as you whisper
your wishes, I tell you that I can make dreams come true.
You blow me away, above all the trees, sending me
kisses, and I'm so high I could fall from the sky over you.
Oh no! you say, I've ruined your end-rhyme scheme. Broke it a bit, but if the meter holds true, then the internal rhymes can fall into place. It's your poem-- I'm just trying to give an example on the fly.
Beware forced rhymes, and you have several in here. C'mon, you know where there are. Go back and fix them.
"More is less" : please remove any and all unnecessary words. Print it out and look at the page... see how uneven it is? Too many words, my friend.
Watch out for the cliches, and you have a bunch of 'em: "seems like an eternity"
Watch the grammar (at least a little) and be consistent: you have a lot of mixed cases (little "i" big "I") Please fix this.
Yep, you gotta fix that ending, because readers, like me, will instantly read it as if you are sick to your stomach ("hearts burn" and "heartburn" are too close for comfort).
That'll be enough to get you to round two, I hope. Let's see the revision, and others can help you work it from there.
Thanks!
... Mark
First off, what' the story? Really- have a real story: beginning- middle - end. Seems like you are on the right track, there.
Read your poem/story aloud, and listen closely. This will help you with the meter. If you're listening hard enough, you'll know where to add/subtract words.
Poetry is also called VERSE. Why? Because, the root of the term "verse" means "to turn", and a poem, unlike prose, allows the writer to turn the lines at any time.
In the olden days, a typewriter would automatically insert a carriage return, and most word procs will turn at the margin settings. But, AHA! Not so with verse. You have the magical power to turn a line wherever you want. This is a very powerful poetic device.
Let's pick a random stanza and try it:
Your breath tickles me, as you whisper
your wishes, I tell you that I can make dreams come true.
You blow me away, above all the trees, sending me
kisses, and I'm so high I could fall from the sky over you.
Oh no! you say, I've ruined your end-rhyme scheme. Broke it a bit, but if the meter holds true, then the internal rhymes can fall into place. It's your poem-- I'm just trying to give an example on the fly.
Beware forced rhymes, and you have several in here. C'mon, you know where there are. Go back and fix them.
"More is less" : please remove any and all unnecessary words. Print it out and look at the page... see how uneven it is? Too many words, my friend.
Watch out for the cliches, and you have a bunch of 'em: "seems like an eternity"
Watch the grammar (at least a little) and be consistent: you have a lot of mixed cases (little "i" big "I") Please fix this.
Yep, you gotta fix that ending, because readers, like me, will instantly read it as if you are sick to your stomach ("hearts burn" and "heartburn" are too close for comfort).
That'll be enough to get you to round two, I hope. Let's see the revision, and others can help you work it from there.
Thanks!
... Mark