08-18-2015, 09:53 AM
Hello and welcome to the Pen, Pen-
Any poem that starts off with "for your information..." is asking for trouble before even hitting the ground.
When the statement concludes with "... Yehoshua refers to Reason", the new (novice) poet is now basically forcing the reader to accept an erroneous assumption.
Not a good way to get started.
Unfortunately, your poem then proceeds to preach to the reader, apparently assuming the reader will blindly accept your "vision" as some type of supremely important lesson.
I do not mind the use of near/slant rhymes, though you begin to force even the near rhymes.
I do mind the arbitrary line breaks because they reflect poorly on metrical structure, and reveal themselves solely as a means of setting up the rhyme scheme.
While the tone of the poem is serious, and strives to convince, a rhyme scheme, by nature, forces the reader to anticipate that a rhyming word is coming up. Your ability to convince therefore becomes compromised, unless your meter is very tight (which it is not). Subconsciously, this causes the reader to "lose faith" in your "argument".
I do not mind license with grammatical structure, but you do need actual sentences in order to convey meaning. Many "sentences" lack verbs.
I can appreciate your attempt to re-create a Creation scene, but find little factual basis behind your story that I can relate to, making it sort of a myth of a myth. Work out the imagery and the story may become a stronger myth.
You seem to be intent upon convincing the reader of the validity of your story, as evidenced by the ending. In order to convince me, you will need to stop borrowing from and modifying previously told stories, and come up with a story that is unique.
Good thing this one appears in the NOVICE section of the Pen, Pen, because it has afforded me an opportunity to critique politely. Elsewhere on this farm, the wolves won't wear a sheep's cloak.
Outside of the NOVICE area, and for your own "protection", please do not start off a piece by inserting a note that basically insults the reader before your poem even begins.
... Mark
Any poem that starts off with "for your information..." is asking for trouble before even hitting the ground.
When the statement concludes with "... Yehoshua refers to Reason", the new (novice) poet is now basically forcing the reader to accept an erroneous assumption.
Not a good way to get started.
Unfortunately, your poem then proceeds to preach to the reader, apparently assuming the reader will blindly accept your "vision" as some type of supremely important lesson.
I do not mind the use of near/slant rhymes, though you begin to force even the near rhymes.
I do mind the arbitrary line breaks because they reflect poorly on metrical structure, and reveal themselves solely as a means of setting up the rhyme scheme.
While the tone of the poem is serious, and strives to convince, a rhyme scheme, by nature, forces the reader to anticipate that a rhyming word is coming up. Your ability to convince therefore becomes compromised, unless your meter is very tight (which it is not). Subconsciously, this causes the reader to "lose faith" in your "argument".
I do not mind license with grammatical structure, but you do need actual sentences in order to convey meaning. Many "sentences" lack verbs.
I can appreciate your attempt to re-create a Creation scene, but find little factual basis behind your story that I can relate to, making it sort of a myth of a myth. Work out the imagery and the story may become a stronger myth.
You seem to be intent upon convincing the reader of the validity of your story, as evidenced by the ending. In order to convince me, you will need to stop borrowing from and modifying previously told stories, and come up with a story that is unique.
Good thing this one appears in the NOVICE section of the Pen, Pen, because it has afforded me an opportunity to critique politely. Elsewhere on this farm, the wolves won't wear a sheep's cloak.
Outside of the NOVICE area, and for your own "protection", please do not start off a piece by inserting a note that basically insults the reader before your poem even begins.
... Mark