"- George -

[Obadiah Grey]

When squares disappear
and edges burr,
when a root of the round
abounds.

When anathematic Steel
succumbs to rust;

Then, Horsepower will
revert to Horse and –
The Kingfisher
will truly be King.

And the Trees will thrum
and grass's dance
in the old bluebell wood,
The Oak,
The Ash,
The Elm;
everything will be
as it should --

with the green man-
at the helm.

Hi Obadiah Grey,

I like the idea that you are trying to put across in this poem and the overall concept is good. Just a couple of points, the use of burr may be somewhat confusing because although it can mean to smooth over or take away rough edges it can also mean to form a rough edge which I admit sounds strange because they seem opposite but that's the definition.

Also I would be cautious of capitalizing too many words in case it loses its effectiveness, it can work excellently when used very sparingly. In your poem here it doesn't seem to make sense that steel is capitalized when it is detested and then the Green Man who is surely the subject of the whole poem is not deemed as important and therefore not capitalized.

Should it be 'grasses'? Also one more thing the idea of the Green Man being at the 'helm' sounds odd against all the earthy imagery when 'helm' is originally a nautical term although it can be used outside of a nautical reference but here it would seem to distract from the main theme.

I've just noticed that this is in 'miscellaneous' and I probably shouldn't have said so much, apologies for going overboard.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

Hiya, Mark. Thanks for your thoughts on my poem and don't worry about "saying too much", I'm not wedded to anything I write and advice is always appreciated.
I'm with you on the capitalisation thing it not only looks very odd on the page it actually puts me off the poem !!
Jeeyzus wept !!,, I cannot believe I let slip with the "grasses" misspelling, thanks for picking me up on that one, though, I think I'll keep the "burr" and "helm" reference.


When squares disappear
and edges burr,
when a root of the round
abounds.

When anathematic steel
succumbs to rust;

Then, horsepower will
revert to horse and –
the kingfisher
will truly be king.

And the trees will thrum
and grasses dance
in the old bluebell wood,
the oak,
the ash,
the elm;
everything will be
as it should --

with the green man-
at the helm.


Ps,,, New to forum and will probably bugger up many a post before I get it right.
Cheers, Mark.

Obi.