When squares disappear
and edges burr,
when a root of the round
abounds.

When anathematic Steel
succumbs to rust;

Then, Horsepower will
revert to Horse and –
The Kingfisher
will truly be King.

And the Trees will thrum
and grass's dance
in the old bluebell wood,
The Oak,
The Ash,
The Elm;
everything will be
as it should --

with the green man-
at the helm.

Hi Obadiah Grey,

I like the idea that you are trying to put across in this poem and the overall concept is good. Just a couple of points, the use of burr may be somewhat confusing because although it can mean to smooth over or take away rough edges it can also mean to form a rough edge which I admit sounds strange because they seem opposite but that's the definition.

Also I would be cautious of capitalizing too many words in case it loses its effectiveness, it can work excellently when used very sparingly. In your poem here it doesn't seem to make sense that steel is capitalized when it is detested and then the Green Man who is surely the subject of the whole poem is not deemed as important and therefore not capitalized.

Should it be 'grasses'? Also one more thing the idea of the Green Man being at the 'helm' sounds odd against all the earthy imagery when 'helm' is originally a nautical term although it can be used outside of a nautical reference but here it would seem to distract from the main theme.

I've just noticed that this is in 'miscellaneous' and I probably shouldn't have said so much, apologies for going overboard.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

(08-13-2015, 10:10 PM)Obadiah Grey Wrote:  When squares disappear
and edges burr,
when a root of the round
abounds.

When anathematic Steel
succumbs to rust;

Then, Horsepower will
revert to Horse and –
The Kingfisher
will truly be King.

And the Trees will thrum
and grass's dance
in the old bluebell wood,
The Oak,
The Ash,
The Elm;
everything will be
as it should --

with the green man-
at the helm.

(08-13-2015, 11:50 PM)ambrosial revelation Wrote:  Hi Obadiah Grey,

I like the idea that you are trying to put across in this poem and the overall concept is good. Just a couple of points, the use of burr may be somewhat confusing because although it can mean to smooth over or take away rough edges it can also mean to form a rough edge which I admit sounds strange because they seem opposite but that's the definition.

Also I would be cautious of capitalizing too many words in case it loses its effectiveness, it can work excellently when used very sparingly. In your poem here it doesn't seem to make sense that steel is capitalized when it is detested and then the Green Man who is surely the subject of the whole poem is not deemed as important and therefore not capitalized.

Should it be 'grasses'? Also one more thing the idea of the Green Man being at the 'helm' sounds odd against all the earthy imagery when 'helm' is originally a nautical term although it can be used outside of a nautical reference but here it would seem to distract from the main theme.

I've just noticed that this is in 'miscellaneous' and I probably shouldn't have said so much, apologies for going overboard.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

Hiya, Mark. Thanks for your thoughts on my poem and don't worry about "saying too much", I'm not wedded to anything I write and advice is always appreciated.
I'm with you on the capitalisation thing it not only looks very odd on the page it actually puts me off the poem !!
Jeeyzus wept !!,, I cannot believe I let slip with the "grasses" misspelling, thanks for picking me up on that one, though, I think I'll keep the "burr" and "helm" reference.


When squares disappear
and edges burr,
when a root of the round
abounds.

When anathematic steel
succumbs to rust;

Then, horsepower will
revert to horse and –
the kingfisher
will truly be king.

And the trees will thrum
and grasses dance
in the old bluebell wood,
the oak,
the ash,
the elm;
everything will be
as it should --

with the green man-
at the helm.


Ps,,, New to forum and will probably bugger up many a post before I get it right.
Cheers, Mark.

Obi.

Just to say that when you are posting a new version of your poem people would usually edit the original post at the top of the page and put the newest version of the poem first with a subtitle 'version 2' or 'edit 1' and then subtitle the original poem similarly like 'original' and that way it is easy for people to see how the poem has progressed.

It looks a lot better now without the capitalisation, I wasn't thinking that it was off putting at first but you are right, it seems less distracting now. And you are totally right about 'burr' I was being way too picky there when it is very evidently implied what your meaning is and also it's a damn good word and doesn't get used enough, the kind of word that my Granda would use (along with wireless and scullery)  and that's good enough for me.

Cheers,

Mark

Hi Obi - I really enjoyed the last two stanzas, and the way the 'elm/helm' rhyme tied them together.