When I Say I Love You

[fluorescent.43]

-sorry if this is a bit of a long read-

I.

I don’t mean it like they do. i don't mind the unspecified 'they'. also, i like the way your first line is a direct response to your title. clever.

It implies no perfection,
even in my eyes. vague, vague. the emphasis could be on 'my' or 'eyes' in this line, resulting in a different takeaway depending on what 'even' means to emphasize.

It does not offer chains
and will not make you pancakes.

It does not mark territory
in your mind
or body. these two stanzas are simple enough to work, barely.

It needs only itself,
and does not consume nor sacrifice. a bit cliché here. but good job so far not turning this into the average, sappy love poem.

I tell you I love you,
like I show you a scar. implies that you have loved before? the image is interesting, but could be written in more specifically.

Seeking no justice.
I love you. awkward closer- no tie-in from the previous line, so it reads like an attempt at impact.


II.

You became in me. uh... what? i think i get what you're trying to say, but this stanza is hardly understandable and bordering on cliché.
And I feel you, as I feel myself.
And I want for you
beyond my self.

I don’t plainly want the best for you.
I want your life to be beauty,
in that deeply selfish way
we know only of ourselves.

I don’t want to make you happy.
I want you to find your peace,
in its silent rhythm beyond context.

I don’t want you to endure.
I want you to live beyond burdens
like me. And like you.

No I do not feel close to you.
As I do not feel close to my skin.
You are me more than language admits. the entire second section bored me to tears. you could probably say what you just said in a few lines or less. carefully choose your words.

i like the last stanza's concept- a lot of these stanzas hold something interesting, but as a whole it makes no impact because they are scattered all over the place, sandwiched between I's and You's and Me's.

hopefully this gave you something to think about. i think this has a lot of potential (pretty well-written already), so good luck if you intend to edit!

43.