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+--- Thread: When I Say I Love You (/thread-17555.html)
When I Say I Love You - summermoose - 08-06-2015
-sorry if this is a bit of a long read-
I.
I don’t mean it like they do.
It implies no perfection,
even in my eyes.
It does not offer chains
and will not make you pancakes.
It does not mark territory
in your mind
or body.
It needs only itself,
and does not consume nor sacrifice.
I tell you I love you,
like I show you a scar.
Seeking no justice.
I love you.
II.
You became in me.
And I feel you, as I feel myself.
And I want for you
beyond my self.
I don’t plainly want the best for you.
I want your life to be beauty,
in that deeply selfish way
we know only of ourselves.
I don’t want to make you happy.
I want you to find your peace,
in its silent rhythm beyond context.
I don’t want you to endure.
I want you to live beyond burdens
like me. And like you.
No I do not feel close to you.
As I do not feel close to my skin.
You are me more than language admits.
RE: When I Say I Love You - newsclippings - 08-06-2015
I feel like this is so close to kitsch it makes me uncomfortable. You have some good lines in here though, but the topic is hard to make your own.
[and will not make you pancakes.
***
I tell you I love you,
like I show you a scar.]
Maybe build on this. I would show a scar as though I'm proud of it, but I don't know if that's what you mean, and I like that I don't know. But expand.
RE: When I Say I Love You - Mark A Becker - 08-07-2015
Hello summermoose-
I'm afraid I got some serious problems with this one, but I'll try to remember we're in the MILD zone, otherwise...
I.
I don’t mean it like they do. WHO? parents, friends, lovers? Starting out rough...
It implies no perfection,
even in my eyes. fair enough
It does not offer chains
and will not make you pancakes.UH OH! where did this come from?
It does not mark territorythis unfortunately brings an image of a dog marking territory
in your mind
or body.
It needs only itself,you seem to be de-railing the poem now
and does not consume nor sacrifice.
I tell you I love you,
like I show you a scar. If this was the entire poem, I'd be OK with it
Seeking no justice.
I love you.
II. This whole stanza could disappear
You became in me.
And I feel you, as I feel myself.
And I want for you
beyond my self.
I don’t plainly want the best for you.
I want your life to be beauty,
in that deeply selfish way
we know only of ourselves.
I don’t want to make you happy.
I want you to find your peace,
in its silent rhythm beyond context.
I don’t want you to endure.
I want you to live beyond burdens
like me. And like you.
No I do not feel close to you.
As I do not feel close to my skin.
You are me more than language admits.
I'm sorry if I can't be more helpful, but my best advice is to scratch S.2 and tighten down S.1
All that said, this one can still live if it loses a lot of weight.
...Mark
RE: When I Say I Love You - summermoose - 08-07-2015
Really appreciate the feedback. Concision and relevance. Especially hard for me in a poem like this. Thank you!!!
RE: When I Say I Love You - kakashi1090 - 08-09-2015
I.
I don’t mean it like they do. ---it
It implies no perfection, ---it
even in my eyes.
It does not offer chains ---it
and will not make you pancakes.
It does not mark territory ---it
in your mind
or body.
It needs only itself, ---it. The uniformity is nice but perhaps cutting out an it would add a level of ambiguity to the poem. We know you are talking about "it" so you really don't need to keep pushing us towards it. Maybe giving "it" an image would do well here too without disclosing what "it" is.
and does not consume nor sacrifice.
I tell you I love you, ---I liked the vagueness up to this point. I feel you could have ran with it a bit more. Going back to giving "it" (which I assume is your love) an image without saying what it literally is would do well here.
like I show you a scar. ---Such as here. A scar. That's an image and a damn interesting one for love. I'd love to see if this could be worked into the beginning of the poem and ridden throughout it.
Seeking no justice.
I love you. --- I love you is really hard to make work as a closer without layers of sarcasm and double meanings. The short delivery gives impact but don't seek the unusual change in delivery at the cost of the integrity of your words and phrasing.
Going with Mark here I won't go into 2. I feel I didn't entirely get the full effect of one and I don't want to totally miss the point of 2 because of it. You've got something here.
RE: When I Say I Love You - i.might.be.a.bit.sad - 08-11-2015
(08-06-2015, 08:34 AM)summermoose Wrote: -sorry if this is a bit of a long read-This would be an amazing poem with about a quarter of the words. Pare it down, and then see if you need to add more images. Overall, lovely ideas.
I.
I don’t mean it like they do.
It implies no perfection,
even in my eyes.
It does not offer chains
and will not make you pancakes.
It does not mark territory
in your mind
or body.
It needs only itself,
and does not consume nor sacrifice.
I tell you I love you,
like I show you a scar. i love this stanza until here. Then I go HUH? This image just doesn't work for me.
Seeking no justice.
I love you.
II.
You became in me.
And I feel you, as I feel myself.
And I want for you
beyond my self.
I don’t plainly want the best for you.
I want your life to be beauty,
in that deeply selfish way
we know only of ourselves.
I don’t want to make you happy.
I want you to find your peace,
in its silent rhythm beyond context.
I don’t want you to endure.
I want you to live beyond burdens
like me. And like you.
No I do not feel close to you.
As I do not feel close to my skin.
You are me more than language admits. you get the sentiment across by the last stanza, but the real ,want of the rest if this section is lost on me..
RE: When I Say I Love You - fluorescent.43 - 08-13-2015
(08-06-2015, 08:34 AM)summermoose Wrote: -sorry if this is a bit of a long read-hopefully this gave you something to think about. i think this has a lot of potential (pretty well-written already), so good luck if you intend to edit!
I.
I don’t mean it like they do. i don't mind the unspecified 'they'. also, i like the way your first line is a direct response to your title. clever.
It implies no perfection,
even in my eyes. vague, vague. the emphasis could be on 'my' or 'eyes' in this line, resulting in a different takeaway depending on what 'even' means to emphasize.
It does not offer chains
and will not make you pancakes.
It does not mark territory
in your mind
or body. these two stanzas are simple enough to work, barely.
It needs only itself,
and does not consume nor sacrifice. a bit cliché here. but good job so far not turning this into the average, sappy love poem.
I tell you I love you,
like I show you a scar. implies that you have loved before? the image is interesting, but could be written in more specifically.
Seeking no justice.
I love you. awkward closer- no tie-in from the previous line, so it reads like an attempt at impact.
II.
You became in me. uh... what? i think i get what you're trying to say, but this stanza is hardly understandable and bordering on cliché.
And I feel you, as I feel myself.
And I want for you
beyond my self.
I don’t plainly want the best for you.
I want your life to be beauty,
in that deeply selfish way
we know only of ourselves.
I don’t want to make you happy.
I want you to find your peace,
in its silent rhythm beyond context.
I don’t want you to endure.
I want you to live beyond burdens
like me. And like you.
No I do not feel close to you.
As I do not feel close to my skin.
You are me more than language admits. the entire second section bored me to tears. you could probably say what you just said in a few lines or less. carefully choose your words.
i like the last stanza's concept- a lot of these stanzas hold something interesting, but as a whole it makes no impact because they are scattered all over the place, sandwiched between I's and You's and Me's.
43.
RE: When I Say I Love You - summermoose - 08-15-2015
These are fantastic crits. I am going to edit it heavily and will put it up for some more feedback in a while. I appreciate it!