Squint

[kakashi1090]

SQUINT

Let a smile slide in the lines of
your look and a cig protrude in
upright droop, you got the
smile and the smoke in your lungs for
smoldering casually
it relates
And your eyes, they squint with sun
and pretty women walking while
your toke blacking brown
burns like wild
honey, smile for the camera
ain’t your type of phrase
and that relates
You and i, we have a small
feeling in our eyes
and droopin’ out our mouths, the kind
that comes by time spent with too many
pretty women;
you don’t know her,
but you know the feeling

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Wrote this last night, let me know what you think

I like this but I want to like it a lot more. The big thing I feel I missed out on when I read this was your tone. I think near the end you give a very good sense of sympathy and maybe even belonging? But it comes out of nowhere and sort of leaves the beginning of the poem rather dry. Maybe sprinkling a couple subtle hints that "You" and "I" are related would help out. I think the physical image for what you are going for is spot on. So just expanding on that to guide the reader beyond the physical would be pretty BA. Or even making another stanza that dives deeper into it.


Upon rereading I started to pick up on the tone a bit more being a very "YEah, I know bud" so I to make my opinion more specific, using words and phrases that represent that "I've been there" feeling would do this well I feel. A very beautiful picture this one draws though I very much enjoy it.