08-09-2015, 02:07 AM
I.
I don’t mean it like they do. ---it
It implies no perfection, ---it
even in my eyes.
It does not offer chains ---it
and will not make you pancakes.
It does not mark territory ---it
in your mind
or body.
It needs only itself, ---it. The uniformity is nice but perhaps cutting out an it would add a level of ambiguity to the poem. We know you are talking about "it" so you really don't need to keep pushing us towards it. Maybe giving "it" an image would do well here too without disclosing what "it" is.
and does not consume nor sacrifice.
I tell you I love you, ---I liked the vagueness up to this point. I feel you could have ran with it a bit more. Going back to giving "it" (which I assume is your love) an image without saying what it literally is would do well here.
like I show you a scar. ---Such as here. A scar. That's an image and a damn interesting one for love. I'd love to see if this could be worked into the beginning of the poem and ridden throughout it.
Seeking no justice.
I love you. --- I love you is really hard to make work as a closer without layers of sarcasm and double meanings. The short delivery gives impact but don't seek the unusual change in delivery at the cost of the integrity of your words and phrasing.
Going with Mark here I won't go into 2. I feel I didn't entirely get the full effect of one and I don't want to totally miss the point of 2 because of it. You've got something here.
I don’t mean it like they do. ---it
It implies no perfection, ---it
even in my eyes.
It does not offer chains ---it
and will not make you pancakes.
It does not mark territory ---it
in your mind
or body.
It needs only itself, ---it. The uniformity is nice but perhaps cutting out an it would add a level of ambiguity to the poem. We know you are talking about "it" so you really don't need to keep pushing us towards it. Maybe giving "it" an image would do well here too without disclosing what "it" is.
and does not consume nor sacrifice.
I tell you I love you, ---I liked the vagueness up to this point. I feel you could have ran with it a bit more. Going back to giving "it" (which I assume is your love) an image without saying what it literally is would do well here.
like I show you a scar. ---Such as here. A scar. That's an image and a damn interesting one for love. I'd love to see if this could be worked into the beginning of the poem and ridden throughout it.
Seeking no justice.
I love you. --- I love you is really hard to make work as a closer without layers of sarcasm and double meanings. The short delivery gives impact but don't seek the unusual change in delivery at the cost of the integrity of your words and phrasing.
Going with Mark here I won't go into 2. I feel I didn't entirely get the full effect of one and I don't want to totally miss the point of 2 because of it. You've got something here.