08-09-2015, 01:57 AM
You have a very clear approach and the message is pretty obvious. Materialism is stupid, experience is what makes you rich and life worth it and such. However I feel there is a certain depth to the poem that I know is there but can not reach with it currently. The images are strong but delivered in a very standard way. I'd say maybe throwing some wrenches in the rhythm to grab attention to specific things and maybe even doing some Yoda play and phrasing lines differently than how you'd say them in a regular conversation would bring out a more poetic feel from the poem. Good stuff though I enjoyed this poem! 