First Poem

[Vastile]

This is my first real poem and I'm here to learn, so please, tear this one up, as much as it deserves, so that I can do better.
Thank you, all.


I sit atop a tall lonely mountain.
Cloudy mist, my only companion.
I look down on the people who live below.
I see every life end and begin.

I, too, was once a man.
Who once was lost along a winding trail.
I found peace in protecting and observing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail.

I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain.
But, my own woes, I always conceded.

My attention ever on those, whom I try to help.
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone.

My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know.

I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Vastile-

Very good effort on a very first poem.

L.1 of S.2 is particularly good ("I too was once a man) as it pulls the reader into the story.

That said, as a story you need a beginning, middle, and end.  The beginning (S.1 and S.2) work well.  It holds up OK into S.3 ("I found I could stop...").  Then the middle gets "spongy", and I think showing more of the turning to stone process would really help.

The rhyming is OK, and I appreciate that as a brand new poet that you avoided forcing rhymes in the places where you left them out.  That is a very good sign.

There is no real ending to speak of, and that is where you need to work it harder-- the last three stanzas, specifically.  I'm sure that you can pull it off.  

Watch out for that trap of "telling", as in "it costs me in ways indescribable ...".   I want to know what those ways are, so you're gonna need to describe 'em.  Just sayin that they're indescribable is a bit of a cop out.

Also-  you can lose the CAPS.  Capitalizing does not make the character more important- the story should do that.  Nor is it necessary-- esp the gentle giant/beast caps.  

All in all this is surprisingly good as a first effort.

Good luck!
... Mark

[Animal Riots Activist]

This is my first real poem and I'm here to learn, so please, tear this one up, as much as it deserves, so that I can do better. -Welcome to the pen, and to writing poetry!
    Thank you, all.


I sit atop a tall lonely mountain.
Cloudy mist, my only companion. -This is a bit of a trap newbies tend to fall into: redundancy. We already know mist is cloudy, and clouds are misty. Including both words doesn't add much, and in my opinion they tend to weaken the image. Now something like "purple mist" or "vagrant clouds" etc, those words strengthen the image. It's a game of words, so make each one count!
I look down on the people who live below.
I see every life end and begin. 'end and begin' can be said in a stronger way than as is. ex. "wax and wane"

I, too, was once a man. -this line is a bit overwrought, but not in a bad way.
Who once was lost along a winding trail. -'winding trail' is very cliche
I found peace in protecting and observing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail. winters bite is cliche, but the rhyme is somewhat more important. It's simply ineffective and jilted without an appropriate, consistent meter.

I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed. [it] I know your going for rhyme, but you shouldn't sacrifice grammatical structure for it's sake.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain.
But, my own woes, I always conceded.

My attention ever on those, whom I try to help.
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone. -in this meme-centric world, "forever alone" should be taboo to use in a poem. Not to mention it's already pretty cliche

My will is strong, my heart is true. cliche line
I try to give my luck to all those below.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know.

I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man

I don't think the idea is unworkable, just in the manner it's presented it doesn't work very well at all. I know this was a somewhat harsh crit, but you fell into literally every trap that newbies fall into and that's not a bad thing at all, I think. And believe me when I say your in very good company, as everyone here has (at one point or another) fallen into the traps of "cliche", "rhyme without meter", and "abstraction". I can send you my first poem(s) as a testament to that. When you write your next poem, try to fall into one less trap then you did in this poem and you'll be making great progress! Also find some poems that really resonate with you and try to pick apart why they resonate with you.

I'll end by re-iterating what mark said and adding to it: this is quite good for a first poem, and don't give up because we've all been where you are!

All the best, and keep writing,
-Em

[TheOnlyRedSmurf]

This is my first real poem and I'm here to learn, so please, tear this one up, as much as it deserves, so that I can do better.
    Thank you, all.


I sit sat?atop a tall lonely mountain.
Cloudy mist, my only companion.
I look down on the people who live below.
I see every life end and begin.

I, too, was once a man.
Who once was lost along a winding trail.
I found peace in protecting and observing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail.

I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain.
But, my own woes, I always conceded.

My attention ever on those, whom I try to help.
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.
The those? elements that would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone.

My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.inscrutable?
I make it up in more ways than one could know.

I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten , I/here?was once a Man

Just a couple of alternate words, though I do like your choices. besides the first stanza that needs a less forced rhyme.
The imagery is quite good, it flows well and has just the right amount of detail to prompt the readers imagination.
don't take my inserts as needed, poetry can work with less structured wording than more formal language but they flesh it out a little.

[billy]

poems like mountains should always have titles; hi vastile and welcome. a solid first poem though not without a need for some rather extensive editing. we can't and most of us tend not to rip poems, specially in mild. it reads as being very wordy. there are redundancies in many places.
this isn't the place for line by line feedback, though it's the proper place to post the poem. [take thing gradually to start with]

the wordyness;

I sit atop a tall lonely mountain.
Clouds y mist, my only companion.
I look down on the people who live below.
I and see every life, end and begin.

the above is just an example for you to think about

repetition in the form of [on top ....mountain] doesn't add enough to be. used in this case less can be more. the very first rhyme needs working on and you use the word [alone] for a rhyme after using it quite a few times in the poem

i'll let others make some comments about other aspects. one good point is that it's not ladened with cliche, [most first poems are]

This is my first real poem and I'm here to learn, so please, tear this one up, as much as it deserves, so that I can do better.
    Thank you, all.


I sit atop a tall lonely mountain.
Cloudy mist, my only companion.
I look down on the people who live below.
I see every life end and begin.

I, too, was once a man.
Who once was lost along a winding trail.
I found peace in protecting and observing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail.

I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain.
But, my own woes, I always conceded.

My attention ever on those, whom I try to help.
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone.

My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know.

I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

This is my first real poem and I'm here to learn, so please, tear this one up, as much as it deserves, so that I can do better.
Thank you, all.


I sit atop a tall lonely mountain. <--might remove tall here...not sure if it adds to the image much.
Cloudy mist, my only companion.
I look down on the people who live below.
I see every life end and begin. <--i dont love how this flows...not sure how to fix it though. I might chanfe the last line so it doesnt start with an "I"

I, too, was once a man.
Who once was lost along a winding trail.
I found peace in protecting and observing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail. <--why is winters capitalized?

I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed. <--needed what? weird syntax.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain. But, my own woes, I always conceded.

My attention ever on those, whom I try to help. <-- unneeded comma
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone.

My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable. <--unneeded comma
I make it up in more ways than one could know.

I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man <--love this last part

Honestly i think this is a really good start. I think you should read it through as if it is prose and make sure you are getting in all the necessary words...some phrases are missing nouns/verbs. Could definitely pare down on the wordiness. Really find what you are trying to say, then show us instead of telling us. Overall, very good for a first try. Thanks for the read!

[yilmazp90]

I respectfully disagree with the people who said the caps isn't needed. It gives the words more meaning and it becomes more of something to refer to rather than just another one. For example, "Winter's bite" i picture a situation where winter's bite isn't just a generic term, it's that dreaded Winter's bite that people know and have heard about. That little extra depth with something as simple as a capital letter is just so effective. But don't over do it, not that you have.

As for the poem as a whole, for your first attempt bravo. It sounds over-positive but really, i did picture this mountain and the blistering cold. The ending was a breath of fresh air for me. Has been a while since i've seen that kind of style where you reveal who and what you are at the end and the magic of this is that it makes you read the poem again .

[azure]

Welcome to the Pig Pen, I hope you enjoy the variety of styles and poetic principles expressed here, as well as the wealth of knowledge and experience that is also very present.


This poem is actually quite a frank and honest first attempt, and it was refreshing to see the lack of crappy ambiguity that some newbies incorporate into their early work. Although it did have a semblance of decent poetic introspection and expression, in many parts of the poem, the flavorless and redundant word choice failed to captivate and breathe life into the subject matter.

I sit atop a tall lonely mountain.  Eh, this first line was indeed cliche, I suggest using the same setting, yet expresing it in clear, concise, yet original language in order to better draw in the reader's attention.
Cloudy mist, my only companion.  This line was bland and redundant, which further strengthen the negative aspect of the cliche opening line.
I look down on the people who live below.
I see every life end and begin.

I, too, was once a man. Cut the first comma after I.
Who once was lost along a winding trail.  This line is cliche, and the word "winding" is dull and could definitely be replaced by another that is more metaphorically poignant to the expression itself.
I found peace in protecting and observing.  Hmm, many can generally relate to this, which, in my opinion, is a good thing in creative writing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail.  Is "Winter" being used to describe Life itself, or the hardships we all must experience and endure in Life? I suggest rewording and toning down the inherent ambiguity here just a bit.

I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed.  Reword this line. Upon reading and reciting it in my mind, it sounded sloppy and bland.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain.
But, my own woes, I always conceded.  Possibly replace the first word of this line with something else?

My attention ever on those, whom I try to help.
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.  Another use of cliche, which overall added a sense of stagnancy to the expression.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone.  I suggest rewording this line. Maybe cut 'But', or at least take out the comma after 'But'.

My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below.  Honest, although a bit boring as are many of the lines in this piece.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know.  This line seems too wordy and I suggest a revision of the entire line.

I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man                                                                                                                                                

The final stanza was, in my opinion, the weakest part of the poem itself. It seemed as if it were rushed, lacking much originality and forethought. I would suggest rewriting the stanza entirely to help give the expression a definitive ending, executed with grace and subtlety.

[kakashi1090]

If you want a poem torn up I'd suggest the "Serious Workshopping" forum. I took one look at that place and it was pretty freaking intense lol. Anyways, the poem:

I sit atop a tall lonely mountain.
Cloudy mist, my only companion. ---I like this. I like this a lot
I look down on the people who live below. ---Down at people below feels redundant
I see every life end and begin. ---You dropped the rhyme, which is okay, but I don't feel anything happened to justify that. I'd also say there has to be a better way of saying you watch over people throughout their lives. I am intrigued at this point. What are you? Are you benevolent or malevolent? You have my attention for sure.

I, too, was once a man. ---Questions starting to get answered. Very nice.
Who once was lost along a winding trail.
I found peace in protecting and observing.
Despite Winters bite and storming hail. ---Rhyme went from AABC to ABCB. Again I feel that uniform rhyming would not be bad in this poem. Fantastic word choice and delivery though it's a wonderful stanza.

I found that I could stop disaster.
Send help to those whom needed.
Alone I must stay on top this tall mountain. ---Lots of words and syllables. This line took much longer than the others
But, my own woes, I always conceded. ---I don't know if conceded truly fits here. I get it, but it doesn't really match the grammar. Maybe "to my own woes" or something.

My attention ever on those, whom I try to help. ---maybe a different word for ever. Ever in that since is a sort of cliche
I didn’t notice myself turning slowly to stone.
The elements would try to beat me.
But, I would stay, forever and alone. ---Interesting use here. Alone is a hard word to not sound pretentious and you did it. Kudos.

My will is strong, my heart is true.
I try to give my luck to all those below.
Though, it costs me in ways indescribable.
I make it up in more ways than one could know. ---Rocking ABAB strong now I like the consistency

I am the Gentle Giant, who sits on the mountain.
I am the Gentleman Beast, who watches over all that I can.
I am the lonely Figure of Stone.
Whom all have forgotten was once a Man ---Strong ending that was very good.



All in all excellent. I juts feel that the beginning could be much stronger. The rest of the poem is