Death's Gift (changed from Rich)

[fluorescent.43]

EDIT #2
riches aren't measured [by]
shiny trinkets or
gold pieces
no – no – no repetition of 'no' barely works. but it does.
those i like the line break here. gives a sense of weightlessness.
are illusion

learning how to give life
to a fire, the line break here i think could be at 'give', putting life at the start of l2.
sharing unconditionally sharing what?
with another,
spending an afternoon
in the forest, comma needed? be careful with getting too list-y in this stanza. don't reel off all the 'riches' in a row or it becomes too much.
or teaching a child
how to read
the stars... i like the last three lines. evocative, especially 'read the stars'.

when life comes
to death, think you could be more original with the first two lines. 'life comes to death' is a bit cliché and slightly vague to boot.
these are the riches
that give us breath. good ending line. intriguing, but also clear.


EDIT #1
riches aren't measured
shiny trinkets or
gold pieces
no – no – no
those
are illusion

learning how to give life
to a fire,
sharing unconditionally
with another,
spending an afternoon
in the forest
with people and love,
or teaching a child
how to read
the stars...

when life breathes
its last breath,
nothing, even riches
do we keep
in death.

ORIGINAL
Riches aren't always measured
in gold pieces
no, no, no,
those are simply shiny trinkets
to keep our attention fixed
on illusion.

My riches were gained when I learned
how to give life
to a fire,
or when I shared
unconditionally
with another,
or when I spent that afternoon in the forest
with the people I love,
or when I taught that child
how to read
the stars...

When it all comes to that point in life
when we all realize our mortality
for one last time
as we breathe our last moments
of breath,
these are the riches we keep in death.

i really like what you did with this edit. i think it's very good now. you've cleaned it up quite a bit and other than the suggestions i made above, i don't have much else to say. the second stanza could still be worked on, but otherwise a solid piece of good writing. good luck if you intend to edit!

43.