08-07-2015, 01:36 AM
Hello summermoose-
I'm afraid I got some serious problems with this one, but I'll try to remember we're in the MILD zone, otherwise...
I.
I don’t mean it like they do. WHO? parents, friends, lovers? Starting out rough...
It implies no perfection,
even in my eyes. fair enough
It does not offer chains
and will not make you pancakes.UH OH! where did this come from?
It does not mark territorythis unfortunately brings an image of a dog marking territory
in your mind
or body.
It needs only itself,you seem to be de-railing the poem now
and does not consume nor sacrifice.
I tell you I love you,
like I show you a scar. If this was the entire poem, I'd be OK with it
Seeking no justice.
I love you.
II. This whole stanza could disappear
You became in me.
And I feel you, as I feel myself.
And I want for you
beyond my self.
I don’t plainly want the best for you.
I want your life to be beauty,
in that deeply selfish way
we know only of ourselves.
I don’t want to make you happy.
I want you to find your peace,
in its silent rhythm beyond context.
I don’t want you to endure.
I want you to live beyond burdens
like me. And like you.
No I do not feel close to you.
As I do not feel close to my skin.
You are me more than language admits.
I'm sorry if I can't be more helpful, but my best advice is to scratch S.2 and tighten down S.1
All that said, this one can still live if it loses a lot of weight.
...Mark
I'm afraid I got some serious problems with this one, but I'll try to remember we're in the MILD zone, otherwise...
I.
I don’t mean it like they do. WHO? parents, friends, lovers? Starting out rough...
It implies no perfection,
even in my eyes. fair enough
It does not offer chains
and will not make you pancakes.UH OH! where did this come from?
It does not mark territorythis unfortunately brings an image of a dog marking territory
in your mind
or body.
It needs only itself,you seem to be de-railing the poem now
and does not consume nor sacrifice.
I tell you I love you,
like I show you a scar. If this was the entire poem, I'd be OK with it
Seeking no justice.
I love you.
II. This whole stanza could disappear
You became in me.
And I feel you, as I feel myself.
And I want for you
beyond my self.
I don’t plainly want the best for you.
I want your life to be beauty,
in that deeply selfish way
we know only of ourselves.
I don’t want to make you happy.
I want you to find your peace,
in its silent rhythm beyond context.
I don’t want you to endure.
I want you to live beyond burdens
like me. And like you.
No I do not feel close to you.
As I do not feel close to my skin.
You are me more than language admits.
I'm sorry if I can't be more helpful, but my best advice is to scratch S.2 and tighten down S.1
All that said, this one can still live if it loses a lot of weight.
...Mark