08-03-2015, 05:02 AM
Edit #1
The day I fell asleep¬, the lights went on --- strong opener
in studio six. Behind my lids, miles of --- I like the ambiguity here, but I suggest moving “of” to the next line to help with the ambiguity and the flow
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised --- This should be criticized, spelled with a z
his lack of sauce. Two fallen stars turned to boys on a --- This line break is clunky, consider breaking at a different spot to help the flow here
staging ground; a city wall was raised, razed,
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
I rolled and the world turned with me. Dido --- I understand the mythological references here, but the alliteration of the letter ‘p’ using the original “princesses” had a better flow, and leaves out the lesser known figure Dido. I’m also a little confused about why you’d switch the word “princesses” for the founding queen of Carthage “Dido”.
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt.
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached. Beware, the idols are burning.
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner. It has happened:
it will happen. Myth and man are no mystery. You turn --- I really like the line “Myth and man are no mystery.” I’m a fan of the alliterations, and it references the previous lines about the ancient Greek figures as well. I’d recommend you change this line break though, it seems clunky and unnecessary.
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire. Where are --- again, this line break seems out of place. I do like the break after “evicted” though.
your roses now? Nobody will have you. You are evicted,
extracted, amazed. I offer you my vision; you cast it aside. --- I like the shift here from the original. It leaves it stronger in my opinion.
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt. --- This ending seems incomplete. I will have to contemplate that some more and get back to you.
Overall I really liked this piece. That largely depended on my previous experience with Greco/Roman mythology though I think. The only major thing that I think I noticed is the line breaks. A bit of restructuring with those and this poem would be much more readable.
The day I fell asleep¬, the lights went on --- strong opener
in studio six. Behind my lids, miles of --- I like the ambiguity here, but I suggest moving “of” to the next line to help with the ambiguity and the flow
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised --- This should be criticized, spelled with a z
his lack of sauce. Two fallen stars turned to boys on a --- This line break is clunky, consider breaking at a different spot to help the flow here
staging ground; a city wall was raised, razed,
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
I rolled and the world turned with me. Dido --- I understand the mythological references here, but the alliteration of the letter ‘p’ using the original “princesses” had a better flow, and leaves out the lesser known figure Dido. I’m also a little confused about why you’d switch the word “princesses” for the founding queen of Carthage “Dido”.
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt.
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached. Beware, the idols are burning.
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner. It has happened:
it will happen. Myth and man are no mystery. You turn --- I really like the line “Myth and man are no mystery.” I’m a fan of the alliterations, and it references the previous lines about the ancient Greek figures as well. I’d recommend you change this line break though, it seems clunky and unnecessary.
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire. Where are --- again, this line break seems out of place. I do like the break after “evicted” though.
your roses now? Nobody will have you. You are evicted,
extracted, amazed. I offer you my vision; you cast it aside. --- I like the shift here from the original. It leaves it stronger in my opinion.
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt. --- This ending seems incomplete. I will have to contemplate that some more and get back to you.
Overall I really liked this piece. That largely depended on my previous experience with Greco/Roman mythology though I think. The only major thing that I think I noticed is the line breaks. A bit of restructuring with those and this poem would be much more readable.