The Prophet

[cjchaffin]

Edit #1

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of <-- here
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised
his lack of sauce.  Two fallen stars turned to boys on a <-- here
staging ground; a city wall was raised, razed, 
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Dido <-- here
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt. 
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Beware, the idols are burning. 
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are <-- here
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision; you cast it aside.  
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt. 


Original

The day I fell asleep­, the lights went on
in studio six.  Behind my lids, miles of 
cable and gaffer tape twisted around Herakles
preparing hydra three ways as Hera criticised
his lack of sauce.  Two stars turned to boys on a
staging ground and a city wall was raised, razed, 
dusted and fed to wolves with crossed eyes.
 
I rolled and the world turned with me.  Princesses
puzzled isoperimetrically and someone found the salt. 
No, there is no room in this dish for an elephant,
unless poached.  Mind, the idols are burning.  All is dark.
 
Here in sleep, I am divine and diviner.  It has happened:
it will happen.  Myth and man are no mystery.  You turn
your back, fiddle and the world catches fire.  Where are
your roses now?  Nobody will have you.  You are evicted,
extracted, amazed.  I offer you my vision.
 
Tomorrow I will wake to blindness, rise, and tread my eyes
into the dirt.  You will never see.

i've been sitting on this for a few days and finally have a chance to comment.
i want to love it, but right now i can only really really like it a lot.
the most important part of the edit is that you named Dido...i don't think a lot of people will get the reference otherwise.
but that's neither here nor there in the grand scheme of things. it just makes the timeline make more sense, i think.

content-wise, i like it as is, because i'm a mythology geek and i get the references straight out the gate.
but some of the line breaks/enjambment choices don't sit well with me (they're in bold).
i get why they're there but they speed up the read too much for my taste.
this poem needs to be read slowly; there's a lot going on here and a lot to take in.
i'd rather that the punctuation do its job properly and leave the cleverness to the context 

otherwise, a very solid read, not much to pick on, and one that i will be coming back to again and again for sure.