07-11-2015, 11:37 PM
Oh red--
(07-11-2015, 01:42 PM)TheOnlyRedSmurf Wrote: No, it's all good criticism. there are a lot of double meanings thought. I will try to explain it.This is not a luxury you have with a poem, and I see did what you were attempting to do. As I said before, you need to figure out a way to include the clues, and please, please, stop with the explaining. Figure out the punctuation. Drop the caps when a line is intended to turn into the next-- esp " trip" to "Dancing". These easy fixes will help toward completing the poem and make it coherent to readers. A poem released too early gets frustrating for everybody, I'm afraid (at least for me).
No plans no fears, people often go out in to nature with no plan or preparation other than to just go
A journey and a trip the trip has the double meaning of the fall later on
Dancing along the bluff
The boy too close the lip
That frantic call, the phone call when the boy is lost
A whispered shout. the shout is whispered because he is hoarse from calling
A field full of fatigue, fatigue again has a double meaning, both the searchers filling the field or search area (working in classic pattern, arms width apart are tired (from searching) and it's what they wear, fatigues
Searching the day about
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained.
The litter lies beneath, the ending is forced but I'm not sure how to fix it without bringing everything to a halt like it needs
I repaired what remained.
it's really all just fragments of something that wasn't planned it just came together as a stream of thought, which may be why it's so hard to make it flow the way I want, the train is gone but I want to write it down.