07-11-2015, 03:06 PM
if you don't like rhyming, why do it? rhymes/verse, non rhyming/stanza
The boy to close the lip! [yeah, i know boys who have to much lip] did you miss a [to] out? not always, but often; rhymes work well with a constant meter.
The boy to close the lip! [yeah, i know boys who have to much lip] did you miss a [to] out? not always, but often; rhymes work well with a constant meter.
(07-10-2015, 02:20 PM)TheOnlyRedSmurf Wrote: I've added two stanzas working backwards
though I'm unsure how to make it sound sombre
I should explain that rescue crews wear orange here use sombre related words, shroud is a good one, corpse another, so is morgue, lifeless, dank and fuck me he's dead.
it feels as though you're concentrating to much on the scene and not enough on the dead wrecked form of a child that's fucked up beyond repair. angles should be of the dark kind in poetry less you fall into hall mark territory.
No plans no fears
A journey and a trip
Dancing along the bluff
The boy to close the lip!
That frantic call
A whispered shout
A field full of fatigue
Searching the day about
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath
I repaired what remained.
first musings
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and
Angels repaired what remained.
it's short on purpose, I really don't like doing the rhyming thing.
maybe a pointer or two would help it expand, add a stanza before this one?
It's not developed enough for full critique
(07-10-2015, 02:20 PM)TheOnlyRedSmurf Wrote: I've added two stanzas working backwards
though I'm unsure how to make it sound sombre
I should explain that rescue crews wear orange here
No plans no fears
A journey and a trip
Dancing along the bluff
The boy to close the lip!
That frantic call
A whispered shout
A field full of fatigue
Searching the day about
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath
I repaired what remained.
first musings
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and
Angels repaired what remained.
it's short on purpose, I really don't like doing the rhyming thing.
maybe a pointer or two would help it expand, add a stanza before this one?
It's not developed enough for full critique