07-11-2015, 10:30 AM
uh-oh red-
It really does look like you are going backwards.
No plans no fears
A journey and a tripif there are no plans, how did the journey occur?
Dancing along the bluff maybe "... a trip while dancing along the bluff" would help. Without a period after "bluff" followed by the capital "D", it makes "journey and a trip" either unclear or redundant
The boy to close the lip! I hope you meant "too close to the lip"
That frantic call
A whispered shout frantic doesn't whisper, and whispers don't shout, usually
A field full of fatigue hmmm... nice alliteration, but fatigue/full are at odds, as fatigue suggests emptiness
Searching the day about odd phrasing here
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath
I repaired what remained. the meter is working against itself here L1. & 2= -/-/- -/-/ then 3= -/-/-/ and 4= --/--/. The back to back anapests throw it outta whack, I'm afraid[/ b]
So, what do we have? Boy on an unplanned journey falls off of cliff. Someone whispers frantically for help, searching about full of fatigue. Something is wrapped up. Then, without punctuation it reads " ... the litter lies beneath I repaired.. (which is confusing) and "remained is tacked on to rhyme with "stained".
I think that maybe you are over thinking this, and by trying to be oblique, you are instead becoming obscure. The choppy sentences aren't working like you were hoping they would-- the lack of punctuation and caps at each first word need to be reconsidered.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, and maybe someone else will see it differently.
... Mark
It really does look like you are going backwards.
No plans no fears
A journey and a tripif there are no plans, how did the journey occur?
Dancing along the bluff maybe "... a trip while dancing along the bluff" would help. Without a period after "bluff" followed by the capital "D", it makes "journey and a trip" either unclear or redundant
The boy to close the lip! I hope you meant "too close to the lip"
That frantic call
A whispered shout frantic doesn't whisper, and whispers don't shout, usually
A field full of fatigue hmmm... nice alliteration, but fatigue/full are at odds, as fatigue suggests emptiness
Searching the day about odd phrasing here
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath
I repaired what remained. the meter is working against itself here L1. & 2= -/-/- -/-/ then 3= -/-/-/ and 4= --/--/. The back to back anapests throw it outta whack, I'm afraid[/ b]
So, what do we have? Boy on an unplanned journey falls off of cliff. Someone whispers frantically for help, searching about full of fatigue. Something is wrapped up. Then, without punctuation it reads " ... the litter lies beneath I repaired.. (which is confusing) and "remained is tacked on to rhyme with "stained".
I think that maybe you are over thinking this, and by trying to be oblique, you are instead becoming obscure. The choppy sentences aren't working like you were hoping they would-- the lack of punctuation and caps at each first word need to be reconsidered.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, and maybe someone else will see it differently.
... Mark