07-10-2015, 10:53 PM
Hello only red-
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and the meter falls apart
Angels repaired what remained.one too many words, probably "repaired" not needed
A suggestion:
beneath the litter
angels strained
and then add an ending...
Since I read your comments, I know what you're talking about, BUT I would never know without that after-the-fact-info. The explanation MUST be within the poem. Especially as an American, I would never guess that "litter" is a "stretcher" (the 'merican word for it). Even if you used "stretcher" I still wouldn't know what's going on-- the clues must be included, please. Perhaps the title could be that clue.
The power of a short poem lies in a swift punch, and there is no punch line here.
Since it's not done, there is still time...
... Mark
The twigs are scattered
The wrappings stained
The litter lies beneath and the meter falls apart
Angels repaired what remained.one too many words, probably "repaired" not needed
A suggestion:
beneath the litter
angels strained
and then add an ending...
Since I read your comments, I know what you're talking about, BUT I would never know without that after-the-fact-info. The explanation MUST be within the poem. Especially as an American, I would never guess that "litter" is a "stretcher" (the 'merican word for it). Even if you used "stretcher" I still wouldn't know what's going on-- the clues must be included, please. Perhaps the title could be that clue.
The power of a short poem lies in a swift punch, and there is no punch line here.
Since it's not done, there is still time...
... Mark