07-09-2015, 10:31 AM
Hello alittle-
No tearing, just wanna point some things out. First, the meter is a bit odd for such a short piece.
L.1&2: both lines end with anapests ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. They race right ahead into L.3, which is: ba-doom, ba-ding, ka-bong-a -/-/--/ (2 iambs + anapest), and then stop.
L.4: /-// ends on a spondee. Though the end spondee adds force, it adds it to an obscure image. Is "red sin" blood? Lipstick? If you're gonna stick me with pin, then it needs to make sense. Otherwise you're just getting me stuck.
I hate to say it but it seems as if someone was putting a name tag on another someone, and accidentally stuck him/her with a pin. When that popped into my head I thought, "what's the big deal? That's no 'red sin'- it's an honest mistake."
Be careful with the short ones. You never know what a reader may make of 'em,
... Mark
No tearing, just wanna point some things out. First, the meter is a bit odd for such a short piece.
L.1&2: both lines end with anapests ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom. They race right ahead into L.3, which is: ba-doom, ba-ding, ka-bong-a -/-/--/ (2 iambs + anapest), and then stop.
L.4: /-// ends on a spondee. Though the end spondee adds force, it adds it to an obscure image. Is "red sin" blood? Lipstick? If you're gonna stick me with pin, then it needs to make sense. Otherwise you're just getting me stuck.
I hate to say it but it seems as if someone was putting a name tag on another someone, and accidentally stuck him/her with a pin. When that popped into my head I thought, "what's the big deal? That's no 'red sin'- it's an honest mistake."
Be careful with the short ones. You never know what a reader may make of 'em,
... Mark