My Own Little World

[Wjames]

I spoke to a blind man on a bench in the park today.
He asked me to describe what was happening around us.

I had just walked about the park for fifteen minutes with nothing on my mind
but the bleakness of my job and relationships, and the hopelessness of my ambitions.

I hadn’t noticed the ducklings in the stream following their mother,
or the family sitting on a flannel blanket delighted by their presence.
I didn’t hear the busker pluck his chords and sing “hallelujah”
while more leaves than coins fell into his guitar case.
I never saw the dog chase after its frisbee, unable to catch it in the air,
pounce upon it on the ground.
I hadn’t seen the teenagers partially hidden in an enclave of trees
sit in a circle, passing around a paper smile, laughing at the wind.

I never thought to look.

[Magpie]

Hi, I feel that this has got some of the possible elements to make the idea work, however they all seem to be in the wrong order for them to have any immediate impact. 

I spoke to a blind man on a bench in the park today.
He asked me to describe what was happening around us. --- To me this is the surprise twist which feels as though it should be in the middle or the final revelation

I had just walked about the park for fifteen minutes with nothing on my mind
but the bleakness of my job and relationships, and the hopelessness of my ambitions. --- By this line I had a rough idea of what was coming next

I hadn’t noticed the ducklings in the stream following their mother, --- and by this line, I knew what was coming next.
or the family sitting on a flannel blanket delighted by their presence.
I didn’t hear the busker pluck his chords and sing “hallelujah”
while more leaves than coins fell into his guitar case. --- Are 'leaves' really 'leaves' or is it a term for notes, I get this kind of thing wrong quite a bit --- However if they are actually 'leaves' then it would appear to be 'autumn', sorry 'fall' which would be at odds with the 'ducklings' earlier on, although it's not altogether impossible.
I never saw the dog chase after its frisbee, unable to catch it in the air,
pounce upon it on the ground.
I hadn’t seen the teenagers partially hidden in an enclave of trees
sit in a circle, passing around a paper smile, laughing at the wind. --- This is my favourite line from the poem, the most poetic.

I never thought to look.

There is nothing wrong with the content as a whole and I like the simplicity of the images and the individual details such as 'flannel blanket' work well in illustrating why the seemingly ordinary is with a different perspective, beautiful.

It's the order that stops it from working the way that it should. I think there are two or three ways of ordering it that would help it and that's without leaving the blind man till the last line; which would be an obvious temptation. It would be interesting to hear what you say because I'm fairly certain that you would have considered a couple of possibilities when writing this.

Thanks for the read,

Mark

[Mark A Becker]

Hello WJames-
I liked this piece enough to stop and drop some comments.

The set-up with the blind man is, of course, key to the poem, yet even on the third time through I felt like it might be a bit odd for a blind person to ask a stranger to describe what was happening.

Every time through I did notice that almost every line is written like prose, and you do have the power to break the lines wherever you want. That's why it's called "verse", ( and I think that the word derives from the Latin "versare", which means to turn). More creative line turns/breaks are needed.

Be careful with "their presence" as it could refer to the ducklings or the family, and it hit me weirdly the first time through when I thought that the family was delighted by their own presence.

That whole stanza is where you can really have some fun, and it'd be sorta cool if you introduced a conversation with the blind guy at this stage, so that he gets to participate, other than just be a set-up man. (Or fall guy)

I don't have too big of a problem with your sudden ability to see things that you had missed before, since you cannot see the immediate past, but there are some easy ways to fix that, and I'm sure you'll find them.

I did not expect the ending, which of course, was your intention from the very beginning. The implication that blind people miss actions around them, and need to have them described, remains a bit off-putting here, though.

This idea is getting pretty close to a completed work, but there is still work to do.

I enjoyed it.
Thanks,
... Mark

[Wjames]

Thank you both for reading and sharing your thoughts.

Ambrosial:

I wrote this after listening to an interview of a comedian who said he had something of a transcendent moment after walking a blind friend of his fathers to the convenience store when he was ten years old. Before that, he was deathly shy, always looking inwards, but talking to the blind man seemed to make him open up for some reason. I think the structure of the poem was sort of influenced by the rest of the interview (probably to it's detriment), where he said he never liked jokes that tried too hard to be clever. I think I will play around with the ordering of this one like you recommend.

Leaves were just leaves, I don't think it really contradicts the duck thing because I think I can remember seeing some ducks in early autumn one time. I could be wrong though.

Mark:

Yes, this is very "prosey". I've never been good at using line breaks to augment a poem like I've seen many on here do. I'll try and make some improvements in that regard.

I definitely agree, that it would be strange for that to be the first thing for a blind person to say to a stranger. I may add some small talk before hand to make it all a little more natural.

[jams01752]

I spoke to a blind man on a bench in the park today.
He asked me to describe what was happening around us.

I had just walked about the park for fifteen minutes with nothing on my mind
but the bleakness of my job and relationships, and the hopelessness of my ambitions.

I hadn’t noticed the ducklings in the stream following their mother,
or the family sitting on a flannel blanket delighted by their presence.
I didn’t hear the busker pluck his chords and sing “hallelujah”
while more leaves than coins fell into his guitar case.
I never saw the dog chase after its frisbee, unable to catch it in the air,
pounce upon it on the ground.
I hadn’t seen the teenagers partially hidden in an enclave of trees
sit in a circle, passing around a paper smile, laughing at the wind.



I never thought to look.

Hi,

I do like the ideas in this poem. Primarily that we can sometimes be ignorant to our surroundings when distracted by other thoughts which we find more important and that becoming fixated on these can leave us dense to the truth. The poem has a sort of organic feel to it focusing on nature rather than the man made, this is emphasised through the constant focus on nature and in line 8 with more leaves falling in the busker's case than coins. I like how you used the blind man and his inability to see the world as a comparison to yourself, I found it an effective idea. As for constructive criticism you could possibly change the structure of the poem to give certain parts more impact, possibly shorten the line length and have combine the first and last stanza to make a more more thought provoking ending.

[mjweise]

Hello,

'My Own Little Wold' resonated with me for a couple of reasons. First, some spiritual leaders profess a 'power of now' as a way of countering the ego voice in the head. The 'nothing in my mind but ...' part is like that voice in the head, and the middle eight lines are the now that is missed because of the voice. Second, I've known a clinical psychologist who would challenge clients to seek the pleasures afforded by the world around them. That's therapy, and the middle lines can be seen to underscore that.

I'm not sure it's necessary to have the lines about the blind man at all. The message could remain without them, but a rewrite of line three would be necessary (such as, 'Today, I walked about the park ...'). Also, some line breaks could be use to emphasize the consuming thoughts.

The four pairs of lines in the middle are wonderful. In general they show that joy can be had without much effort. In particular, those about the busker remind one of the pleasure of making music, which remains even if there's no pay. And that dog, who misses the catch but still goes after the frisbee on the ground, stands in great contrast to the park visitor's lament regarding hopeless ambitions.

Adding another word to the last line would provide more power to the poem. The line could become something like:
Regrettably, I never thought to look.

Many thanks for the post.

Cheers!

[NobodyNothing]

Thumbs up.   I just like this one. Can't hardly think of anything I would change of it. 

But then again, I'm stupid. 

Forgive me.

[Wjames]

Thanks for the comments guys, I'll probably have a revision for this one soon!

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Unless you describe more about the world the speaker was in in his head, i might change the title. Just an idea.

I spoke to a blind man on a bench in the park today.
He asked me to describe what was happening around us.

I had just walked about the park for fifteen minutes with nothing on my mind<-- this phrase is so rich with opportunity to put in a great word, and you choose "nothing". Try to be more poetic. "dullness" or a color or something. Just something to think about.
but the bleakness of my job and relationships, and the hopelessness of my ambitions.

I hadn’t noticed the ducklings in the stream following their mother,
or the family sitting on a flannel blanket (comma maybe?) delighted by their presence.
I didn’t hear the busker pluck his chords and sing “hallelujah”
while more leaves than coins fell into his guitar case. <-- love the juxtaposition between hallelujah and the leaves in his case. Happiness in bad times. Beautiful.
I never saw the dog chase after its frisbee, unable to catch it in the air,
pounce upon it on the ground.
I hadn’t seen the teenagers partially hidden in an enclave of trees
sit in a circle, passing around a paper smile, laughing at the wind.

I never thought to look.

I really like this, but i might change the title as i said, and maybe describe your interaction with the blind man more at the end. What did you say to him?

[TheOnlyRedSmurf]

I spoke to a blind man on a bench in the park today.
He asked me to describe what was happening around us.
I had just walked about the park for fifteen minutes with nothing on my mind
but the bleakness of my job and relationships, and the hopelessness of my ambitions.
I hadn’t noticed the ducklings in the stream following their mother,
or the family sitting on a flannel blanket delighted by their presence.
I didn’t hear the busker pluck his chords and sing “hallelujah”
while more leaves than coins fell into his guitar case. i don't know why but this and the second last line are the only ones I like
I never saw the dog chase after its frisbee, unable to catch it in the air,
pounce upon it on the ground.
I hadn’t seen the teenagers partially hidden in an enclave of trees
sit in a circle, passing around a paper smile, laughing at the wind. the other line I like, in fact my favorite regardless of the rest of the poem
I never thought to look.

I know you are telling a story but there does not seem to be any structure. perhaps an exchange between you and the blind man?
I'm all for free verse, it's what I normally write in.
I don't mean to place my method on you but you seem to spread the mode very thin, like butter on so much toast.
I am probably not reading it in 'your' voice but I don't seem to be able to get into it
besides tightening your prose, perhaps you could add a bit more flourish to the descriptions. not every line but maybe as counterpoint to those that matter
I may be being overly harsh, I don't think what I write is really any good. but I do like structure other than rhyming pairs (thank you school)