07-05-2015, 07:55 AM
Great poem with insightful philosophy. However, verbiage is something needs working here.
In line 10, I think it's better to you "Don't" instead of "Do not" to convey a stronger and more axiomatic statement, yet retains a closer intimacy. The repetition of "a" and "the" is a bit obscure. Overall, a nice poem to think of!
In line 10, I think it's better to you "Don't" instead of "Do not" to convey a stronger and more axiomatic statement, yet retains a closer intimacy. The repetition of "a" and "the" is a bit obscure. Overall, a nice poem to think of!