Faubourg at eve

[Alexearth]

Hi Alex,
Firstly an overall comment about the poem itself: I found it effective in terms of scenery description however lacking in any real though provoking ideas or meaning. BUT you can claim that's not what is being aimed for. I did enjoy calm tone and feeling the poem had.
L1: I found this a vivid image and could see clearly what was being described. Like the canal was a scaled animal. Why are the leftovers pale? Is the to give the impression that the day has been drained?
L2 and L3: There's not really much being said here in these lines I would have rather something that had more impact in terms of imagery but from what was said the word choice is not bad. The bit I most enjoyed of these lines was the ending "endless witness to Apache nights waking."

Hey! Thanks for your message. I have to say, this poem was more the description of an atmosphere. The idea I'm trying to share is an impression I had of the shift between day and night, the reluctance of the canal, the buildings and rooftops and also the people to disappear as the night comes.
I'll edit my poem, as too make this a little more clear!
Thanks again,

Alex

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I agree with some comments that L1 is best. L3 is most misleading. Well "shifting crowds" I suppose is all the people around the building outside? That was a bit unclear. The worst is "endless witness to Apache nights waking." What is Apache? Too many formal names for anyone who doesn't know them. I guess the crowd witnesses night turn to dawn though. But it's obscure to me. How does a rooftop linger on with a shifting crowd? I don't know what is the focus of the poem.
Overall though, I like the simplicity and imagery. You are close to what you want to say, and I believe you will be able to say it very well after some refinement.

Hey Danny, thanks for your message.
About rooftops lingering with the crowd, I'm talking here about the reluctance of the canal, the buildings and rooftops and also the people, to disappear as the night comes. I'll work on it to make the message clear!
Also, as I'm talking here about a "Faubourg", the Apaches was a gang during the Belle Epoque in the Faubourgs of Paris which would cause mayhem at night.
I'm using this metaphor to express the wildness of the nights here in the old Faubourgs, even today.
Thanks again for your help!

Alex

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This is very nice. The imagry transported me there. The canal waves and ripples appear like scales as the light nears the horizon lighting up one side of the numerous little waves and shading the backside creating a look like scales on a fish. The rooftops catching that same light and casting long shadows over the crowd as they linger above and upon them. But I don't get what the Apache Night is you're referring to or how it fits in here. I'm transported from France to the desert southwest all sudden like as a whitness to the night sky over long plateaus. Was that the intent?

Hey Brownie, thanks for your message
I like how you interpreted the poem! As for the Apache nights, like I said above, this refers to a famous gang in the Faubourgs of Paris during la Belle Epoque. I used the metaphor to express the craziness of the nights here, even today. What do you think?

Alex