06-19-2015, 11:34 PM
Although I like "gasping hearts" I'm not sure it connotes much in the way of meaning. "Heavy eyes" is simply cliche and I see little connection between the two.
This is an attempt to write in ballad meter (which is good), what is not good is the two forced rhymes of "feel" and "night". Plus S2 L3 is a four foot line of trochee, instead of iambs.
Having to conform to the confines of ballad meter seems to have led to poor choices in word usage, or in this case, forced word usage (which is usually the case in the beginning). However, nothing to fear, a greater sense of the natural comes with practice. Keep at it.
Best,
Dale
BTW I'm American and grew up in the yearbook culture and still had no idea what H.A.G.S. meant. I do know what SWAK means, which appeared often in my yearbooks
This is an attempt to write in ballad meter (which is good), what is not good is the two forced rhymes of "feel" and "night". Plus S2 L3 is a four foot line of trochee, instead of iambs.
Having to conform to the confines of ballad meter seems to have led to poor choices in word usage, or in this case, forced word usage (which is usually the case in the beginning). However, nothing to fear, a greater sense of the natural comes with practice. Keep at it.
Best,
Dale
BTW I'm American and grew up in the yearbook culture and still had no idea what H.A.G.S. meant. I do know what SWAK means, which appeared often in my yearbooks
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.