Year in Review - Printable Version +- Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com) +-- Forum: Poetry Forum (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-1.html) +--- Forum: Mild to moderate critique (https://www.pigpenpoetry.com/forum-2.html) +--- Thread: Year in Review (/thread-17337.html) |
Year in Review - hopefularahant - 06-19-2015 I havent posted ina long while, but i suppose theres no time like the present to begin again.... I wrote this quite a while ago, but i always like to hear other opinons/critiques on my older poems. Gasping hearts, heavy eyes, both red and raw with feel. Taking hands and locking stares. My true feelings concealed. I grasp the sharpie in my hand, she takes me to last night. Feelings flood, I wish to speak, instead I simply write. H.A.G.S....K.I.T In her yearbook. RE: Year in Review - Merrikay - 06-19-2015 Hey there I like gasping hearts a lot, and the ending. A couple of thoughts from a more objective pov: Condense it, the extra wordage ways it down a bit. Watch out for cliche I think feelings flood, might be cliche. I think you might want to use less I's in a shorter piece like this. Critique aside, I did like it, and I think you can work it into somethin good. RE: Year in Review - ambrosial revelation - 06-19-2015 Hi, I was really struggling to understand this at first and a couple of things led to total confusion until I did a bit research. The confusion was to do with 'colloquialisms' of a sort, I'll explain as I go. (06-19-2015, 10:42 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: Gasping hearts, heavy eyes, --- I know what you are meaning here, but can a heart gasp? Possibly in the sense 'to crave' which is listed as one of the definitions but I feel there could be an alternative.The only reason I struggled with this is basically because I'm British and wasn't aware of a couple of terms like 'sharpie', which I honestly at first thought was a knife. Now after much research and finding out what 'H.A.G.S.' means I can see what your idea was and it makes sense, a kind of cliche used with a purpose and therefore not a cliche. It's an awkward choice to have to make to change elements of your poem to make it more universal whilst risking its 'down to earth' element. If 'sharpie' has another connotation to it I am unaware of what it is, if you feel that it loses nothing by changing it to 'pen' or something similar I would change it. The H.A.G.S. bit isn't as straightforward as that so all I can suggest is a footnote which isn't ideal but definitely would help, especially with poor lost 'foreigners' like me When I got there, it made sense and I like the concept, it just took me a while to get there, but that's not your fault. Cheers for the read, Mark RE: Year in Review - billy - 06-19-2015 watch out for clichés heavy eyes/feelings flood/red raw.... the first verse needs some good image to make it stand out what does, red and raw with feel mean? (06-19-2015, 10:42 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: I havent posted ina long while, but i suppose theres no time like the present to begin again.... I wrote this quite a while ago, but i always like to hear other opinons/critiques on my older poems. RE: Year in Review - Erthona - 06-19-2015 Although I like "gasping hearts" I'm not sure it connotes much in the way of meaning. "Heavy eyes" is simply cliche and I see little connection between the two. This is an attempt to write in ballad meter (which is good), what is not good is the two forced rhymes of "feel" and "night". Plus S2 L3 is a four foot line of trochee, instead of iambs. Having to conform to the confines of ballad meter seems to have led to poor choices in word usage, or in this case, forced word usage (which is usually the case in the beginning). However, nothing to fear, a greater sense of the natural comes with practice. Keep at it. Best, Dale BTW I'm American and grew up in the yearbook culture and still had no idea what H.A.G.S. meant. I do know what SWAK means, which appeared often in my yearbooks RE: Year in Review - hopefularahant - 06-20-2015 Thanks for the replies! And as far as the HAGS and KIT part, (have a great summer and keep in touch) its funny because i thought those were better known terms... And looking at it, i did have a few inexcusible cliche parts in there.... Appreciate the feedback, and i might return to this one! Ambrosial Revelation, I competely understand how you missed the colloquialisms on this one.... Having just returned from a trip to england, i cannot tell you how many times things went over my head because i misunderstood the language. (I remember calling back to my friend saying "alright" as an affirmation, and the guy next to me responded "good day" because he thought i meant alright as a greeting... I was confused for the rest of the day) RE: Year in Review - Wjames - 06-20-2015 (06-19-2015, 10:42 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: I havent posted ina long while, but i suppose theres no time like the present to begin again.... I wrote this quite a while ago, but i always like to hear other opinons/critiques on my older poems.I like the idea of the poem, the emptiness of most yearbook messages, when you may want to write/say much more. I think you could definitely improve the poem though, hopefully my thoughts are of some use to you. RE: Year in Review - ambrosial revelation - 06-20-2015 (06-20-2015, 06:26 AM)hopefularahant Wrote: Ambrosial Revelation,I think this is a common cause of confusion. I've known Americans visiting Britain who spent the first couple of days perplexed as to why people were asking them if they were 'alright' constantly. I've got a friend who while out for a meal in America with Americans ordered 'chips' expecting to get what you would call fries, but got surprisingly 'chips' or 'crisps' as we call them. He had to pretend that it was what he meant and so had to eat them. It makes sites like this a bit more interesting especially in poetry, but I suppose the same thing that makes all this interaction possible is the same thing that will sort out these little misunderstandings. So the reader has to do a little bit more work to understand, that's fine with me... I know what a 'sharpie' is now. (06-19-2015, 11:34 PM)Erthona Wrote: BTW I'm American and grew up in the yearbook culture and still had no idea what H.A.G.S. meant. I do know what SWAK means, which appeared often in my yearbooksSpinners & Weavers Association of Korea RE: Year in Review - Erthona - 06-24-2015 sealed with a kiss! Although I do like your. dale RE: Year in Review - ChristopherSea - 06-24-2015 hopeful, No one writes internet slang with periods after the letters, e.g. L.O.L.. Also, why the ellipsis? What is the implied word or words (internet abbreviation(s) ) that you left out? You should just include them or alternatively delete them: Feelings flood, I wish to speak, instead I simply write in her yearbook. This or something like it would stand on its own and work better./Chris |