06-19-2015, 11:01 AM
Hey there
I like gasping hearts a lot, and the ending.
A couple of thoughts from a more objective pov:
Condense it, the extra wordage ways it down a bit.
Watch out for cliche I think feelings flood, might be cliche.
I think you might want to use less I's in a shorter piece like this.
Critique aside, I did like it, and I think you can work it into somethin good.
I like gasping hearts a lot, and the ending.
A couple of thoughts from a more objective pov:
Condense it, the extra wordage ways it down a bit.
Watch out for cliche I think feelings flood, might be cliche.
I think you might want to use less I's in a shorter piece like this.
Critique aside, I did like it, and I think you can work it into somethin good.
I relish writing bad poems, if it means someday I'll write a good one.