06-19-2015, 10:43 AM
Hello Animal Riots-
After reading through a couple of times I noticed the near haiku in the last three lines. Since you desired comment on meter, I thought that I'd start there, though my comment is really more about syllable count than meter.
You could achieve a classic haiku (5-7-5 syllable count) in the final 3 lines by dropping "and" in the third from last line, and "the" in the final line. No damage done to the poem.
From the top...
In S.1 I'd drop "I sailed". To me it messes with the dancing.
I love the "centrifugal way" of S.2 when I pronounce "centrifugal" correctly.
S.3/L.2 : I'd probably lose "and chest"...
S.4/L1. : I'd change "spun" to "spin", to go better with "whisper". Besides, I spotted a better "spun" in S.1, and another one, is one "spun" too many. Thinking about it more, S.4 is a bit of a clumsy bridge now that I killed "astrology..." and perhaps it might still work at the very end (using "spinning" instead of "spun").
You are quite right that "astrology dissatisfies", and I was dissatisfied as well. Enough so that I'd cut it along with "but still".
The ending I already addressed, although (if I followed my own suggestion) I'd have it ending with "kaleidoscopically".
I hope that all makes some sense. I quite enjoyed this piece, and it has enough musicality to it that I wouldn't get too stressed about the meter.
...Mark
After reading through a couple of times I noticed the near haiku in the last three lines. Since you desired comment on meter, I thought that I'd start there, though my comment is really more about syllable count than meter.
You could achieve a classic haiku (5-7-5 syllable count) in the final 3 lines by dropping "and" in the third from last line, and "the" in the final line. No damage done to the poem.
From the top...
In S.1 I'd drop "I sailed". To me it messes with the dancing.
I love the "centrifugal way" of S.2 when I pronounce "centrifugal" correctly.
S.3/L.2 : I'd probably lose "and chest"...
S.4/L1. : I'd change "spun" to "spin", to go better with "whisper". Besides, I spotted a better "spun" in S.1, and another one, is one "spun" too many. Thinking about it more, S.4 is a bit of a clumsy bridge now that I killed "astrology..." and perhaps it might still work at the very end (using "spinning" instead of "spun").
You are quite right that "astrology dissatisfies", and I was dissatisfied as well. Enough so that I'd cut it along with "but still".
The ending I already addressed, although (if I followed my own suggestion) I'd have it ending with "kaleidoscopically".
I hope that all makes some sense. I quite enjoyed this piece, and it has enough musicality to it that I wouldn't get too stressed about the meter.
...Mark