06-18-2015, 11:03 PM
Hello S.A.D.,
This is an amusing piece and I hope that is your intention. It is one way of dealing
with a serious and debilitating disease. At first your poem comes off as a sardonic diatribe
about menstruation in general (especially in your opening two and closing stanzas),
more than depicting the pain and suffering of a woman with endometriosis, as your midsections
indicate by alluding to infertility and the refrain from sexual activity (due to the pain I presume).
Overall it is nearly strict narrative and you really need to incorporate metaphor and simile.
This would create more interest and make this more poetic as opposed to prose-like.
I would also try to address the endometriosis better and not just the period. However,
the period references are the most entertaining part. Perhaps there are two poems in here:
1) The sarcastic ‘Period’ piece and 2) The tragic ‘Endometriosis’ poem.
Good luck with your next edit./Chris
This is an amusing piece and I hope that is your intention. It is one way of dealing
with a serious and debilitating disease. At first your poem comes off as a sardonic diatribe
about menstruation in general (especially in your opening two and closing stanzas),
more than depicting the pain and suffering of a woman with endometriosis, as your midsections
indicate by alluding to infertility and the refrain from sexual activity (due to the pain I presume).
Overall it is nearly strict narrative and you really need to incorporate metaphor and simile.
This would create more interest and make this more poetic as opposed to prose-like.
I would also try to address the endometriosis better and not just the period. However,
the period references are the most entertaining part. Perhaps there are two poems in here:
1) The sarcastic ‘Period’ piece and 2) The tragic ‘Endometriosis’ poem.
Good luck with your next edit./Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris