kith

[milo]

The more interested I get in form/meter the more impressed I am with this one. I guess it goes under the category of You've got to know the rules to break them, in my novice writing I try so hard to avoid some of the things that work so well here, the variations and sight rhymes.  A meaty poem to think about.

I prefer "and slough through the muck and the slather." in version 1, it has a fine gallop to it that suits the line.

I hope this is enough of a comment for the Serious forum, it is an old post and you are probably not actively working on it now.

Version 2: switched to a more consistent meter, made a couple word changes, not sure if it really is any improvement, may actually be worse.

Kith

I am not the rook or the crow,
or the intricate brooch at your throat. A feather
to rest in the brook of your brow.

Your song steals the wind from the low
that mourns with the bleat of the lamb. My brother,
I am not the rook or the crow.

Your bones take the crush from the blow;
the thick articulate stutter.  Our father
will drown in the brook of your brow.

We hide away hide away flow
and slough through the muck and the peat , we slather.
I am not the rook or the crow

as they wax and they nettle the grow
we loam away, quietly pine, we gather
at peace in the brook of your brow.

So I suitcase away this sorrow
and whisper the sough and the scatter .
I am not the rook or the crow
to hide in the brook of your brow.



original



I am not the rook or the crow,
or the intricate brooch at your throat. A feather
to rest in the brook of your brow.

Your sing steals the wind from the low
that laughs with the broken down lamb. My brother
I am not the rook or the crow.

Your bones take the crush from the blow
the thick articulate stutter, a stick.  Our father
will drown in the brook of your brow.

We hide away hide away flow
and slough through the muck and the slather.
I am not the rook or the crow

as they wax and they nettle the grow
we loam away quiet, we gather
at peace in the brook of your brow.

So I suitcase away this sorrow
and think that in time it won't matter.
I am not the rook or the crow
to hide in the bough of your brow.

milo

Hey ella, it is great to return to this one after so long. This was actually part of a series and I don't know if you read the others but I am glad that you found some enjoyment in it.