Observations of the Chief Medical Examiner (Revision 2)

[Todd]

Revision 2: Thank you Chris.

Naked as a whisper,
like a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across her shoulders.

Caught unaware 
like being handed a nightmare 
test you forgot, 
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
realizing that you aren’t 
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral, leaving tiny kisses 
on her skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

~~~


Revision

Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across the shoulders.

Caught unaware 
like with a nightmare test 
you forgot, 
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
noticing that you aren’t 
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving 
tiny kisses on the skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

~~~


Original


Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped
from the skin beneath
her nails, the red
stippling across the shoulders.

Found behind the school
laid bare
like that nightmare test
you forgot
in the class
you didn’t attend,
noticing that you aren’t
wearing clothes

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving
tiny kisses on the skin
to be uncovered
by my hands.

[Lawrence]

I don't have much of a qualm with stanza one, other than the last three lines sound clumsy. The reiteration of "the" might be what is throwing it off, although I'm not too sure.

Stanza two is off to an awesome start, but I stumbled over-
"like that nightmare test
you forgot"
I think "a", rather than "that, sounds smoother. That would also change the next two lines, so feel free to discard what I'm saying.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass.

Is "the" needed in the previous stanza?

Other than that, I like it a lot. I'm quite sick, so my brain is not working very well :/. I'll think about my interpretation.

[Todd]

Thanks Lawrence, appreciate the feedback.

From looking at this I could probably cut the the before skin without any issue.

S2: I'll give it some thought and read it a through a bit.

"the exposure": I'll think that over.

[billy]

will give feedback later. as i've just woke up (5 am) and am still wearing my wobbly head

[billy]

Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch— good opening 3 lines
secrets scraped
from the skin beneath
her nails, the red
stippling across the shoulders.would the above three lines read better as 'from beneath fingernails, red stippling across her shoulders'? with enjambment of course.

Found behind the school
laid bare
like that nightmare test good 3 lines.
you forgot
in the class
you didn’t attend,
noticing that you aren’t
wearing clothes nice simile

It’s the exposure is 'the' needed?
punctuated by flies
on the dying is 'the needed' would grass work better on this line?
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving love the last 4 words.
tiny kisses on the skin
to be uncovered
by my hands.

i think the last stanza excellent. and 'a smile turned feral' is one of the best lines i've ever read. for me the 2nd stanza could and would make the poem stronger of it were little darker. while the simile works it feels drawn out. that said, it's a keeper for me. good write.

thanks for the read Todd.

[Todd]

Going back through some of the older work, and seeing if anything is worth saving.

Put up a new revision.

[ChristopherSea]

Todd, I love the title and the idea that you have here, but I have to admit that I am a little lost on this one. Nonetheless, see if my observations yield anything of use to you:

Observations of the Chief Medical Examiner

Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped
from the skin beneath
her nails, the red
stippling across the shoulders.

Caught unaware
like with a nightmare test
you forgot,
in the class
you didn’t attend,
noticing that you aren’t
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving
tiny kisses on the skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

:
-Is the ‘you’ in the first stanza the medical examiner? I assume ‘her’ is the victim.
-In stanza 2, who is the ‘you’?
-Why are you (‘me’) in the close?




Todd, I fear that I may not have not offered you much, but I hope that some of my probing helps you with your next edit. It is great to see you on site more! Thanks/Chris

[Todd]

Chris, thanks for the comments. You made some good recommendations. I'll give some thought to more clarity. I think you offered me quite a bit. It is much appreciated.

There are quite a few poems I wrote four years ago that deserve to be torched, just blowing the dust off of this one to see what pile it belongs in.

Best,

Todd

[Todd]

Oh and you're right, Chris, the first strophe is mostly a fragment. I kept picturing the examiner saying this into a small recorder with thoughts intermingled with what was observed on the body. Perhaps I need to draw that out more. I probably need to rethink the overall punctuation strategy.

[Todd]

I put up a new edit. I hope it clears up some of the ambiguity.

[tectak]

Revision 2: Thank you Chris.
Hi todd,
Some nice touches in this one.Unusually and refreshingly the title helps more than hinders. Forgive me, but as this is in Serious I go all pedantic and am looking for nits. You have not made the task easy after this edit. However...
Naked as a whisper,
like a confession
you strain to catch— With this opening, a structured gambit, you seek to stir immediate interest. You succeed BUT more because of the duality of the structure than content. If that seems unfair I would ask you to read it out loud both ways...using natural pauses where you may, one day, decide to plonk a pause. So." Naked as a whisper, like a confession, you strain to catch." OR "Naked as a whisper, like a confession you strain to catch". Now of course, it is the enjambment after confession that irks. Though I "get" the meaning I have to work for it. The m dash only makes things worse because though you unequivocally define the simile in L1and L2, the dash distances what went before from what most certainly should be connected. It may be a subconscious use of "secrets" as an accidental link back to "whisper", it may be deliberate...and that is my problem. I just cannot tell. For me, not over enamoured of the single dash, I would reconsider it...particularly as you DO create another pause with the enjambment. One or the other but not both. I am loathe to suggest a semicolon after "catch" but for me the simple solution is usually best
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across her shoulders. Lurid and lovely

Caught unaware 
like being handed a nightmare 
test you forgot, 
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
realizing that you aren’t  Same issue as S1 on the "like" follow through, the sentence "runs on" and seems out of control. This time, though, it is the disconnected tense change and undefined conditionality of  the "realizing" word. I find myself waiting to hear what dawns with this "realisation". Even so, the encapsulated thought is quite excellent in its perspicacity. Envy.
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure What is "it"?
punctuated by flies punctuated exposure is tortuous. Hmmm.
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral, leaving  Excellent but precariously pedastalised by the bizarre cliff-fall enjambment.
tiny kisses on her skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

~~~
...and that is it. Best I can do because you have left me nothing. Hope something is of use.
Best,
tectak

Revision

Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across the shoulders.

Caught unaware 
like with a nightmare test 
you forgot, 
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
noticing that you aren’t 
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving 
tiny kisses on the skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

~~~


Original


Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped
from the skin beneath
her nails, the red
stippling across the shoulders.

Found behind the school
laid bare
like that nightmare test
you forgot
in the class
you didn’t attend,
noticing that you aren’t
wearing clothes

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving
tiny kisses on the skin
to be uncovered
by my hands.

[Todd]

Hey Tom,

Thank you for the critique and the time you spent with the poem. I see one minor issue I'll correct immediately (the feral line, I need to pull some words up). I'll do that without a revision. I need to think more about your opening comments (I realize we're on opposite sides of the enjambment wars, but I do believe you make some good points, and I'd like to think about them more). There are few other points you made that I'll also consider.

Forgive the ramble, I'm mostly just processing the critique in real time.

Best,

Todd

[Mr. Creosote]

Revision 2: Thank you Chris.

Naked as a whisper,
like a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across her shoulders.

Caught unaware 
like being handed a nightmare 
test you forgot,  The poem seems to lose it's drama here...the nightmare seems too benign...is that because a scene like this is benign to a medical examiner?
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
realizing that you aren’t 
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turnedgreat line
feral, leaving tiny kisses 
on her skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands. There is a long history of equating the power of healing with a doctor's hands, there is a bit of irony in the fact that this doctor doesn't heal

~~~


Revision

Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped 
from the skin beneath 
her nails, the red 
stippling across the shoulders.

Caught unaware 
like with a nightmare test 
you forgot, 
in the class 
you didn’t attend, 
noticing that you aren’t 
wearing clothes.

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving 
tiny kisses on the skin,
to be uncovered
by my hands.

~~~


Original


Naked as a whisper
a confession
you strain to catch—
secrets scraped
from the skin beneath
her nails, the red
stippling across the shoulders.

Found behind the school
laid bare
like that nightmare test
you forgot
in the class
you didn’t attend,
noticing that you aren’t
wearing clothes

It’s the exposure
punctuated by flies
on the dying
grass. A smile turned
feral leaving
tiny kisses on the skin
to be uncovered
by my hands.

It is well written, but I feel let down by the second stanza. There is drama in the first stanza that is lost and maybe that is the point (this is just another body in the long line of bodies that a medical examiner would see in a day). I guess if you are going to break with the first stanza and turn something that would be an exceptional experience to most of us into a common run of the mill "nightmare" then I would rather use a less dramatic word than nightmare.

Other than that, the imagery is great.

[Todd]

Mr. Creosote, I do appreciate the comments. I have reasons for why I chose to go more benign in that section. I'll consider your words as to how effective the choice is.

Much appreciated,

Todd