05-27-2015, 10:11 AM
You start with a crowd, then
Reduce to a group.
Then it’s left with you and him. For them, Awkward line, no need for comma after them or period after him
To pick and choose.
“Friends” who left with cheer and shouts,
Waving that paper (at times email), jumping up and down, Not a big fan of (at times email) but that's a personal opinion
They dance their joy out Repeated use of 'out' hurts flow of lines
Sing happiness out loud
Even the air is sweet
Nothing could stop them now.
But you,
Still in that dark corner,
Tie yourself to the chair. I love the first three lines of this stanza
You ripped your chest open,
Carve out your bowls and heart.
With whatever other gestures needed,
To outsell yourself
Beg them that you’re special, Is beg really the word you're looking for?
Creative,
Smart,
…
And many other things that are left, Could be more concise
As much as your long-drained dignity Needs explanation, feels arbitrarily put into this poem
Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow, Again, more concise
When seeing “the application is open now”.
Not bad at all for a 'newbie'! I am a newbie myself, but I tried to be as helpful as I could with my criticism. I like how the reader is kept somewhat in the dark as to the subject manner of the poem until the last line. However, as Erthona said earlier, you may want to be more specific as to if the poem is just about filling out an application or getting a job. Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem and hope there are many more to come!
Reduce to a group.
Then it’s left with you and him. For them, Awkward line, no need for comma after them or period after him
To pick and choose.
“Friends” who left with cheer and shouts,
Waving that paper (at times email), jumping up and down, Not a big fan of (at times email) but that's a personal opinion
They dance their joy out Repeated use of 'out' hurts flow of lines
Sing happiness out loud
Even the air is sweet
Nothing could stop them now.
But you,
Still in that dark corner,
Tie yourself to the chair. I love the first three lines of this stanza
You ripped your chest open,
Carve out your bowls and heart.
With whatever other gestures needed,
To outsell yourself
Beg them that you’re special, Is beg really the word you're looking for?
Creative,
Smart,
…
And many other things that are left, Could be more concise
As much as your long-drained dignity Needs explanation, feels arbitrarily put into this poem
Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow, Again, more concise
When seeing “the application is open now”.
Not bad at all for a 'newbie'! I am a newbie myself, but I tried to be as helpful as I could with my criticism. I like how the reader is kept somewhat in the dark as to the subject manner of the poem until the last line. However, as Erthona said earlier, you may want to be more specific as to if the poem is just about filling out an application or getting a job. Overall, I enjoyed reading this poem and hope there are many more to come!