Condensation

[Bananadon]

Hello again. You guys were so great at helping me with my last personal poem that I thought I would ask for critique on another.


Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen,

Tussles in the thick blackness,
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth.

[billy]

no need to ask, just post and wait

love poems are a bugger to do well. at present it could do with some kind of meter watch out for small words that pull the poem to much


Love evolves, in time and space;
bed becomes your favourite place
hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen,

i hope you're okay with how i did this, it's not a rewrite, it's more an example [just of the 1st 4 lines.] as to how to get a bit better sound from it.

which is the best line to start the poem?

As bed becomes your favourite place i went with the 2nd
And Love evolves in time and space;
hours pass and in them minutes.
Crisp Sheets change to soiled linen.

i've tried not to change it too much. and it could be written in a stronger voice with a more iambic meter.

Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen,

Tussles in the thick blackness,
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth.

[Keith]

Hi Bananadon
Just some thoughts,
Sheets so stained, soiled linnen sounds a little blunt / cold for what you are trying to achieve, I assume a love poem to a partner.
also Blackness, matress sounds a bit forced and again cold, matress implies no beding.
The last stanza seems detached although I can see you are trying to make it personal to Beth.
Hope this helps
Keith

[tectak]

Hello again. You guys were so great at helping me with my last personal poem that I thought I would ask for critique on another.

Hi banana,
though you posted this in novice we can but admire your unstated (or why post it?) wish to improve. Subjective comments are more the norm here but there are nits within the body-text which you might want to deal with. You may already feel uncertain about structure and syntax, the areas where noticeable wobbles occur so I would encourage you to read the piece out loud to determine the places we agree need work. Oh, please don't capitalise every line. It gives the game away and tells us that you last read poetry an age ago. Some diehards cling to the Gutenburg glory years and STILL insert capitals at line starts;  it serves no rational purpose and only confuses. Onwards then.

Love evolves, in time and space; This is a statemental opener and as such is moot. Normally you woukd be expected to make an argument for the proposition but here you assume we all agree.I do not. Accordingly, the "you" word is misjudged; to build upon a polemic with "and and" is just asking for trouble.So:
My love evolves in time and space,
so bed becomes a favourite place.
Hours pass by which fly like minutes......etc etc

And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen, Tell me what point or purpose is in this bizarre enjambment?If you can then fine, just carry on; but if not why

do it? Your call.

Tussles in the thick blackness, Read it. It makes punctuation a dirty word.Period here but only for the sake of the next line. The previous line is not a sentence.
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress. You are a the comma kid. It makes for staccato reading. I lose trust in your ability to lead me. What is wrong with "Stripped, you lie upon the mattress"?
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink This couplet comprises not of two independent linked clauses; nor is it two linked sentences. It is in truth it is an over-ambitious attempt at punctuation without proving capability. We all do it at some time or another but the answer is as previously stated. Read it out loud. Remember that punctuation works best in paucity. Just enough is just right.

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth. Well, if you are going to read it out loud, don't read it to Beth because she will say it's very  nice. Is that all you want? Weak end.
Best,
tectak

[scarlettehale]

Hi there,
The poem has some high notes, particularly in some of your word choice, but beyond that the imagery and the language could be strengthened to better guide the reader through the emotions and narration of the poem.

Love evolves, in time and space;this seems cliche to me, the idea of love evolving, relating it to the depths of time and space. perhaps try to dig deeper and understand specifically how love "evolves" for the speaker, or how it evolved in this specific instance. Is it turbulent? is it slow and steady? is it nuanced or overt? did it begin as love and continue to grow or did it begin as something else?
And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes.again the passage of time imagery: hours passing like minutes can be over used. try to develop this idea, maybe explain how quickly time passes without explicitly saying it. allow the reader to understand and care why this is important.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen,the imagery of soiled linen and the way those two words sound together is nice, It also subverts the syrupy love poem imagery typically used. Id be interested in seeing this type of imagery more readily

Tussles in the thick blackness,
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying inkThis entire stanza seems out of place for me in the poem. other than maybe being a overly nuanced love scene? Words like tussels, stripped, undying ink, those are interesting to me.

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.At first I thought you were signing the letter but a B in ASL has no curve, so I am confused by the narrative. This seems like the pinnacle point of the poem for the speaker and its falling flat for me mostly because of the simple language. It may help to use more raw, honest language that honors this "evolved love" the speaker has for Beth
Forever and always, I love you Beth.I get the sentiment of this last line but it reads weak because it is so cliched or juvenile. Allow the entire poem to speak about the infinite love for this person, don't explicitly remind us at the end.

I am sincerely interested in understanding why this love is a unique love, why do i care that the speaker loves this person? guide me there.

Thank you for sharing and good luck
-SH

[i.might.be.a.bit.sad]

Hello again. You guys were so great at helping me with my last personal poem that I thought I would ask for critique on another.


Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen,

Tussles in the thick blackness,
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth.

I really love how the first and last stanzas read. Definitely a love poem, but not so sappy i want to go puke. However, the tone in the middle stanza goes agains the delicate feel of the other two. the words stripped and mattress, murky, tussles...they all create a sort of desperate, lonely, painful atmosphere. Unless you intentionally changed the tone throughout, i would think about rewriting the middle stanza. And even if it is purposeful, maybe lead us into the change so we aren't left thinking "what the hell just happened"
Beautiful poem though, Beth is lucky.

[Jae Mc Donnell]

Hello again. You guys were so great at helping me with my last personal poem that I thought I would ask for critique on another.


Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place (I quit enjoy this couplet, nice and rhythmic) 
And hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen, (This line grosses me out so much lol)

Tussles in the thick blackness, (Thick blackness, nice imagery)
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress. (Again nice couplet)
Windows, murky, thick with mist, (I really don't like the word murky in this line. Maybe something else. But also I get where you're going with it 
Canvas, for life; in undying ink

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E. (I love, this very well done... O 
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth. (Should this have a comma before Beth?)

Thanks for the read. Very steamy. I hope some of my comment are useful.

[Nyxx]

Hi!
I'm new here.
I love this piece! I think your concept was clear and translated to the reader lovingly and eloquently.
I did a couple little suggested revisions. You can either take them as a finished line or a springboard. Let me know what you think!

SUGGESTED:
Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place.
Hours pass within mere minutes,
Upon/amongst stained sheets, lovers' linens.

Tussles in a balmy blackness.
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life, in endless ink.

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth.


Here's a breakdown of why I changed what I did:
ORIGINAL:
Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place
And hours pass within mere minutes. Too many "ands."
Sheets so stained, soiled linen, This read oddly to me. I felt it didn't close the stanza. I tried something like my revision to allude to why the sheets are stained without being so blunt.

Tussles in the thick blackness, "Thick" is mentioned twice in this stanza. I feel there is a better adjective to describe the blackness. I want to feel like I can't breathe because of the humidity in the room.
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress.
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink This is clunky. It took me several reads to realize you meant "canvas" as in "search." I would revisit this and make your intentions clearer for the reader.

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E.
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you Beth. Loved this whole stanza! Perfect as is!

I hope this helps! Again, I'm new, so I'm just jumping into common practice in this forum. Can't wait to read more!

[buildthestars]

Hello again. You guys were so great at helping me with my last personal poem that I thought I would ask for critique on another.


Love evolves, in time and space;
And bed becomes your favourite place(.)
And Hours pass within mere minutes.
Sheets so stained, soiled linen, <- reads awkwardly

Tussles in the thick blackness,
Stripped, you lie, upon the mattress. <- I know you're trying to rhyme but I don't like the use of "blackness" here
Windows, murky, thick with mist,
Canvas, for life; in undying ink <- not feeling this line, kind of confusing

You finger the curves of a capital B.
Quickly, on to the delicate E. <- really love these two lines together
No rush now, just two letters left.
Forever and always, I love you, Beth.

The last stanza almost reads as kind of cheesy, and yet I really love it. I love the personal feel to this poem and I think you did a great job putting that into your work.