05-09-2015, 04:47 AM
(05-09-2015, 12:32 AM)RiverNotch Wrote:Thanks for reading it, and for helping! It's very much appreciated(05-08-2015, 04:47 AM)phenomena Wrote: You are
the ghost in my head,
who whispers words I wish had gone unsaid, Period instead of a comma?
You are
the singer of beautiful lies,
who creates glass promises
as delicate
as gossamer,Glass is already delicate. You don't need gossamer here.
glass
/
that
\
broke
/
with
\
a
/
single
\
breath. Neat structure here! A bit of a problem with the tense "who creates glass promises, glass that broke with a single breath". Make that more consistent.
I agree with an earlier crit: after this, it falls flat. I'd suggest the same: explore the image of the glass better, practically discarding the whole of the next two. Oh, but if you're gonna do that, I also suggest putting this device by the end: it's a real stand out!
You said
that you were selfish,
I dismissed the notion,
it was a nonexistent blemish
in my mind.
If only I had listened then,
but I had been hopeless
in my love-tinted vision,
and thought of you as divine.
You say that I am what happiness means to you
maybe that was true,
more days than I care to count ago.
But clearly, that meaning wasn’t enough
for
you.
Thanks for the read!

