10 Years

[shootthestar25]

10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on

Should have seen, suspected
witnessed, prepared
Oh well, What's 10 years?

except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone

Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.

Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone

[ellajam]

Very deep and profound.  The moral/lesson conveyed is overt, and you did a great job overall portraying the primary regret of most individuals.  However, if I would suggest one thing, it would be to make heavier use of figurative language.  Other than that, it was fantastic!

Hi, welcome to the site. Please try to be more specific in your critique, make a real effort to help the poster improve his poem. How and where could he add "heavier use of figurative language"? Which lines might be edited? Which did you find profound?

If you need some tips on what the site expects you'll find them in the important threads of this forum.

Dig in.
ella/mod

[ellajam]

Thank you for your warm welcome, and I apologize for my ambiguity. The lines I find rather profound are those of the entire second stanza, especially when you question, "What's ten years?" This forms a symbolic juxtaposition when you state at the end of your poem that ten years have come and gone, and it appears as if you have "realized a mistake."  As far as my remark about figurative language is concerned, I would add some in the fourth stanza, as the reiteration of the term "past" can be replaced by describing what the past actually entails, thus contributing to the overall symbolism of the piece. I would also add some in the very last line in order to draw out the symbolic juxtaposition I mentioned earlier, that is, if this is your intention. Other than those few elements, the piece is fantastic! Nicely done!

Thank you, ella

[Norimeknowreason]

I'm new to this forum and new to giving critiques but I will do my best. IMHO I don't think u
need the comma in the first line. Because I'm not reading it with a pause. it flows better
with the second line without it for me anyhow. 10 years long and short to dread.
deep, unforgiving, rage again against the well within

10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on
Should have seen, suspected
witnessed, prepared
Oh well, What's 10 years?
except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone
Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.
Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone
I really enjoyed the read. Thanks for sharing.

[belkar]

L1 - I don’t understand "and short to dread". Is it 10 years too short to dread? recommend clarifying.
Stanza 2 and 4 - The lines have an odd beat here. I would consider having these two stanzas match in tempo. I see maybe 7-5-5?

"I should have seen, suspected
witnessed, and prepared.
Oh well, What's 10 years?

Except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life almost seen gone"

L16 - This is in present tense, and the poem ends in past. Consider "Or pretend it went away"

L14 - I really like the change in the meaning of "past". I would have changed it to "passed" but I see what you were going for here.

I found this poem very intriguing, but I found the lack of punctuation and/or the capitalization some what distracting. Really enjoyed it.

[pmmurphy]

First of all, I like the presentation i like how things look smoothe and read smoothe. I like the poem in general, the line breaks work for me and so does the punctuation i have no complaints here. My only complaint is I feel confused in your message and the content being presented.

10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on

(in the first stanza i feel a sense of longing and hardship over years and how it affected the person who expierenced it. The way its written is direct but it works i like it, im not mad about it and enjoy it what i mean by direct is it gets to the point and doesn't have much fluff it feels like good brevity here.)

Should have seen, suspected
witnessed, prepared
Oh well, What's 10 years?

(Now it continues to drag along about 10 years in this stanza, i don't really get anything new here i just get fluff its missing some kind of content to me. But, i do get more of a longing feeling and some mystery element in this stanza. Which i like. So no complaints so far. Now my mind starts to think that this could be a person expierencing a prison sentence.)

except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone

(this 3rd stanza starts to solidify my thoughts on a prison sentence, but I am left confused why it is a stanza by itself and not combined with the 2nd stanza, i feel like they both hold the same meaning and message.)

Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.

(this 4th stanza starts to give another message i understand the break here and get why it was seperated, now i start to think maybe you broke the other stanzas up for the delay in reading and added suspense / tone of the ryhthem. As for the message i still think some terrible deed was done in the past to create havock but i am unsure and confused if it was a trauma, or a prison sentence.)

Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone

(the last stanza shapes things up, now i am still confused. Prison sentence? Trauama? It could be either. If you like this then i wouldn't change it, but personally when i read i like to know for certain what i want to read about and not be confused on the message and get several meanings from it.)

Personally if this poem is about a crime, maybe hinting what the crime was somewhere in the writing would be useful. Same goes with if its about a trauma. It doesn't have to be alot, it could be something small such as, "the cop pulled me over one day" or "then this happened" (but actually explain what happened slightly)

That is my opinion on this writing and I hope my critique was helpful. This is a very emotionallly profound piece that was fun to read and felt like good brevity.

[fromcancertocapricorn]

10 years long, and short <" 10 years long and short" also, maybe change 10 to ten, it is grammatically incorrect to begin with a number?>
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on

Should have seen, suspected
witnessed, prepared
Oh well, What's 10 years? < I feel like this is a major shift in tone from the rest of the poem, it sounds out of place>

except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go < Your play on words here seems a little trite and uncreative to be honest>
life I'd almost seen gone

Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.

Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone
[/quote]

As a general note, I enjoy the way you are writing this poem, but I'm not too sure about the use of commas here, it seems a little long winded sometimes.

[Deadrise]

Hello Shootthestar25

I enjoyed the emotion in your piece.

*If you are not interested in meter please disregard what follows*

I found it difficult to develop a flow while reading your poem. I was introduced to meter a short while ago and have been applying it to the few free form pieces that I have put together.
It has been difficult, but worth the effort. At the very least I am becoming more aware of the mechanics of poetry.

I fussed with your first stanza for 15 minutes as an exercise for my self and was able to incorporate meter without altering much of what you wrote.
Give it a try if you are interested.

Take care,
John

[Moose]

qu ote='shootthestar25' pid='182082' dateline='1420266480']
10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on

Should have seen, suspected
witnessed, prepared
Oh well, What's 10 years?

except a lifetime ago
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone

Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.

Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone
[/quote]

Hi, I'm new to this so please season the unpalatable bits with salt on consumption. 

Lots of this poem recommends itself. I like the pulse of the stanzas; I like that the trajectory loops back at the end of the poem to include the title.

 For me the phrase 'long, and short to dread..' was unclear in meaning?
I also get the feeling that the subject of this lament is either an act that lead to the protagonist being incarcerated or a falling out between family members.  I'm not keen on the ambiguity of this. Maybe if the reason for the 10 year time frame was made explicit it would add weight  and clarity to the sentiment. The theme of regret in the abstract is universal but I feel this poem is more specific in focus? 

I really enjoyed the intensity of the poem and the concision over all. 

Thanks for sharing.

[10BIT]

I overall enjoyed your poem!
But I actually am slightly put off by the rythm.
While the poem itself very well shows how one deals with regret, it is very hard to read as
the rythm causes me to loose interest in reading

I especially noticed this in the first stanza:

10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on

I am uncertain wether it actually is the rythm or the alliterations used which cause this feeling...
anyways i do feel like this poem is well thought out.

Thanks for sharing.

[Erthona]

10 years long, and short (drop the comma before "and" Do you mean easy to dread?)
to dread, rage again   ("to dread" semicolon)
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on (I see no rationale for saying things in such an arrhythmical and choppy manner which does not benefit the poem in any way and is at least a distraction to whatever the poem is trying to communicate)

Should have seen, suspected  (Do you have something against pronouns? "I" should have... I am all in favor of brevity, but not when it sacrifices clarity)
witnessed, prepared (should have seen, suspected, witnessed and prepared...for what?)
Oh well, What's 10 years?  (Oh well, what is ten years lost? One should never leave out information when it is vital to understand the meaning and intent of the writing)

except a lifetime ago (the inference here is that the answer to "What's ten years?" is "except a lifetime ago." Is this the intent. If this is the intent it makes no sense, but neither does any other way.)
a lifetime to go (Restating the phrase in a cutesy way way does not benefit the poem.)
life I'd almost seen gone (there must be an easier, clearer, less convoluted way to express this.)

Forget it, Forget what I've said
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.                         (Too much cutesy word play that doesn't add anything to the poem and acts only as a distraction)

Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone

Your recapitulation in this last stanza could actually be the entire poem as it seems to say most everything that is trying to be said, without the need to go down every rabbit hole it finds.
_______________________________________________________________________________
This poem seems to be uncertain about everything it says, as a result it ends up saying little at all. One cannot write a poem and be equivocating every third step. Combine that with the lack of grammatical sentence structure and little rhyme or reason as regards punctuation and one has a very confused poem. That it has no real rhythmic underpinning just drives the spike further into the already dead body.
This seems a long way to go to say I wasted more of my time in resentment in addition to the 10 years I already lost, but how or for what reason we are not told. If the ten years that was lost is due to imprisonment in some form are another the reader needs to be told in order to begin to make some sense of this. Currently everything is an abstract. Not only is this difficult to connect with on an everyday level, it is fairly certain that any emotional connection is blocked, and without such a connection the reader cannot care about the poem or the speaker.    

Welcome to the site,


Best,


Dale

[Ryan_Toscano204]

I love your use of short lines throughout the poem. It really did feel like you were holding yourself back intentionally. The perspective of the poem was fighting this battle of dread. He/she didn't know exactly how to move on from something that was so long ago, but wanted so badly to get past it somehow. It was moving that way because it is so common among people. To regret and want to forget, yet still find yourself dwelling on issues you can't change. The poem definitely doesn't have a lot of images. It's hard for me to suggest adding more because your form and content mix so well together. Often times images make lines a lot longer and more detailed which would take away from the struggle you've presented in the poem. Since this poem is this struggle of living in the past and moving on something I could suggest would be to maybe make a metaphor to illustrate that struggle. It would keep your lines short because you wouldn't be adding an image behind every feeling you describe. But the metaphor could carry an image throughout the poem that helps the reader visualize the struggle more vividly. It's hard for me to think of something other than the cliched tug of war, so don't add that. But I would suggest really trying to get a metaphor in there that carries the poem (So the metaphor would start at the beginning and also close out the poem) that illustrated something that is tug of war like. The person in the past wants to move on yet finds him/herself sucked into this traumatic even. Find a metaphor that can illustrate that and I think your poem can be taken to an even greater level.

[phenomena]

I feel like the poem should be longer and little less choppy, I think that would help emphasize the length of the ten years.

"10 years long, and short
to dread, rage again
against the well within
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on"

This part I feel should have more description, so that you can convey the poem's meaning better. The "forgive me, I go on" part feels unnecessary.
In total, you're telling the feelings, not showing them. I think that showing what you mean usually makes for better poetry. Also, using slightly different words can make it sound less repetitive, unless that was your intention.

The last stanza is definitely my favorite, though. Good luck with future poems

[YolaSm]

10 years long, and short ( I see no use of the comma here. Is there a reason you chose to place it there? Also, someone in the comments mentioned that it is grammatically incorrect to use 10 instead of ten, I disagree, I believe that it is indeed informal but  when writing a poem it is entirely a choice of the poet to write numbers as they want, perhaps they intent to be informal. On the other hand I believe that if you chose to be informal or simply write in numerals it should serve a purpose.)
they always get lost
to dread, rage again
against the well within (since your poem as a whole is absent of any figurative language, I believe that the words "well within" are awkwardly used here.)
deep, unforgiving,
forgive me, I go on (period.)(I agree with Erthona on this one)
Should have seen, suspected (coma?) (I agree with Erthona here as well, why not use the pronoun "I"? I get that this poem is informal through the use of it's words but I don't see if it serves any purpose.)
witnessed, prepared (the absence of punctuation in only some places makes me feel as if you haven't read your poem carefully enough)
Oh well, What's 10 years?
except a lifetime ago (Why not capitalize here but do so in the rest of the poem?) (Remember to use punctuation)
a lifetime to go
life I'd almost seen gone (I like the flow of this stanza, I wished it continued in some other parts of the poem as well)   (I did enjoy the irony in these 3 lines!)
Forget it, Forget what I've said (Why is the underlined word capitalized?)
it is in the past,
My Past, past time I'd say
to let it go.   ( In my opinion the rhythm in this poem is confusing but it is tiring in this stanza, it flows like a rap in my ears )
Or pretend it goes away
at least for a little while
but while I've been sulking
10 years have come and gone (last two lines are very powerful)

[Bananadon]

I really enjoyed this poem. I tend not to enjoy poems with little/no punctuation in, but you wrote this well enough to understand properly. I particularly like the listing 'suspected, witnessed, prepared', it almost makes me wonder if the 10 years is being used as a metaphor for a prison sentence? The lexis of forgiveness and judiciary language makes me think that. The persona feels trapped, and has felt so for the past 10 years. I may be completely wrong however hahah. One of my few criticisms would be maybe just to fully use punctuation to accentuate the structure and help add a flow to the poem, it may seem less choppy. There are also parts which slightly confused me, and seemed slightly unnecessary. "They always get lost/ to dread, rage again/ against the well within" I would recommend honing your poem down, adding punctuation, and this will make an excellent poem! Thanks for the interesting read )