05-07-2015, 01:49 AM
Hi, welcome to the site.
As this is in novice I'll not go into depth.
Problem 1: I'll use this one line to point out a general recurring flaw throughout the poem. It would be the opposite of the economy of words, that is, just a bunch of extraneous words that do not need to be there. Example:
"Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow" --> "when you secretly vow"
Problem 2: The idea of starting each line with a cap went out of style in the 1950's, primarily due to to things: typesetting no longer needed it, and it made it easier to read.
Problem 3: Not so clever word play. "Then it’s left with you and him. For them" Clever word play is great when done well, as it can greatly energize the poem, however, when it only causes the reader confusion as it does here and several other places. In fact this is close to a fatal flaw in this poem until it is corrected.
I was never sure if the focus was on being chosen for a job, or just filling out the application. In the first part it seemed more the first and I even thought there was going to be a baseball metaphor of choosing sides, but it seemed not to be sustained.
Best,
Dale
As this is in novice I'll not go into depth.
Problem 1: I'll use this one line to point out a general recurring flaw throughout the poem. It would be the opposite of the economy of words, that is, just a bunch of extraneous words that do not need to be there. Example:
"Starting from when to yourself you secretly vow" --> "when you secretly vow"
Problem 2: The idea of starting each line with a cap went out of style in the 1950's, primarily due to to things: typesetting no longer needed it, and it made it easier to read.
Problem 3: Not so clever word play. "Then it’s left with you and him. For them" Clever word play is great when done well, as it can greatly energize the poem, however, when it only causes the reader confusion as it does here and several other places. In fact this is close to a fatal flaw in this poem until it is corrected.
I was never sure if the focus was on being chosen for a job, or just filling out the application. In the first part it seemed more the first and I even thought there was going to be a baseball metaphor of choosing sides, but it seemed not to be sustained.
Best,
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.