Brady Bunch
#3
(04-05-2015, 03:28 PM)TimeOut Wrote:  Mickey Mouse
The thought of a complete house "House" connotes more the building than the general feeling of security and fulfillment a home does, and "the thought" makes this too fleeting a line to be, well, complete. This would be better if this just continued the picture of a complete house partly but somehow muddily began by the first line: the next three lines already do a fair enough job of showing all of this, so this explanation really isn't needed.
On a saturday Saturday.
Dad with his coffee
Mom with the vacuum Somehow, I'd prefer "her vacuum" instead, just to make things more even.

Realities that a few select see This line is weird. "A select few" is the normal usage: I get that you're trying to fit into some sort of rhythm, but the shift you use here just sounds awkward -- and on the same choice of words, the "realities" here fit too much into a lot of people's perception of normalcy for them to be sensibly thought of as something "a select few" see. 
But don't you wish you could be
Just a part of that
Just once This line feels superfluous. It doesn't really enhance or emphasize anything. Also, I think the earlier line could be merged into the one before it: the break sounds like it was made just to fit the already weak rhyme and line schemes.

I guess that makes you stronger 
Or just makes the days longer This ending is too heavy in sound to feel appropriate, and too bland to be strong. Plus, this line sounds contrived, being a bit unfounded (people stuck in suburbia tend to be way more bored than people not even dreaming of it) -- it's as if, again, this line was just made to fit the rhyme scheme.
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Messages In This Thread
Brady Bunch - by TimeOut - 04-05-2015, 03:28 PM
RE: Brady Bunch - by jkprry - 04-08-2015, 01:55 PM
RE: Brady Bunch - by RiverNotch - 04-12-2015, 01:26 AM
RE: Brady Bunch - by 71degrees - 04-13-2015, 02:50 AM



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