Turritopsis dohrnii

[jkprry]

Turritopsis dohrnii

jellyfish bloom,
small moons that draw her mind from the shore,
neural stingers shooting blanks, muscle with no memory
(she tries)

no electricity, just chemicals
smoothing her beach into glass,
wrinkles left for oversize tees and
hospital smocks

this ocean is a pool
she swirls around,  
a toilet wasting everything,
a child splashing

[Brownlie]

So this is an immortal Jellyfish. Imagine that, a Japanese Jellyfish that could lead to sci-fi type organ regeneration. The imperial subconscious may explode in wonder before it could defeat senescence.

Turritopsis dohrnii

jellyfish bloom,- You might want to capitalize jellyfish if you want it to begin a sentence. 
small moons that draw her mind from the shore, --- I guess "that" is sort of clumsy here.
neural stingers shooting blanks, muscle with no memory
(she tries) --- I'm having trouble understanding why these parenthesis are here. Maybe it would be clear to others though.

no electricity, just chemicals
smoothing her beach into glass, -- I can't figure out what her beach is.
wrinkles left for oversize tees and
hospital smocks -- I think there is something compelling in connecting this to old age.

this ocean is a pool -- I suppose you're starting a list of three things the ocean is.
she swirls around,  
a toilet wasting everything, -- I'm not sure if your referring to an actual toilet or calling the ocean a metaphorical toilet. You could represent the toiletness of the sea by including the smell or another detail.  

a child splashing -- I suppose she is the child splashing?

The grammar may be a little off for your purposes. I could be wrong, but I think poems (for the most  part) should try to convey meaning through a proper sentence structure. Of course this poetry and I am, to a degree, looking for something to critique. Also, I don't know much about the speaker. There are some things to infer, such as her age, but it may not be enough. It may also be good to put more physical description of the Jellyfish, which you could of course infuse with metaphor (or not) depending on what you want to do. Idk, at best, I made some observations. Hopefully someone else gives this a look.

[TimeOut]

Turritopsis dohrnii

jellyfish bloom,
small moons that draw her mind from the shore,
neural stingers shooting blanks, muscle with no memory
(she tries)

no electricity, just chemicals
smoothing her beach into glass,
wrinkles left for oversize tees and
hospital smocks

this ocean is a pool
she swirls around,  
a toilet wasting everything,
a child splashing

Woof. Very heavy. I read it as losing someone to Alzheimer's. I'm sure this topic is something close to your heart, so I'll be gentle with my critique. First, lose "she tries" in parentheses...too abrupt and it takes the reader out of the poem. Really the only problem I have with this poem is the last stanza. Definitely stick with the toilet imagery, but fix those last two lines. Keep toilet, which is a strong enough image and word in itself, but ease up after that. A toilet doesn't waste, it disposes, and in this case, what is it disposing of?

[jkprry]

Brownlie: AH. GRAMMAR. (I like to pretend I'm e.e. cummings sometimes.) All the water/beach imagery is supposed to represent her mind,
the jellyfish being inside her mind. And I definitely agree with the 'age' comment. A cool thing about the Turritopsis dohrnii is that it reverts
to its adolescent stage in order to live forever. I'm trying to be ironic, but I probably haven't given the reader enough information. Thanks a bunch. :')

TimeOut: Thank god! Yes, Alzheimer's. I was wondering about "(she tries)". I will definitely put a keen eye to that last stanza too. Many thanks.

[bena]

This is really brilliant...I got it, but I've also lost someone dear to Alzheimer's so I don't know if the connection is there because of it. The child splashing is a bit ambiguous though, with the sentence structure of the last S. Not really sure how to fix it...at any rate just wanted to let you know that I read and enjoyed.

[RiverNotch]

Turritopsis dohrnii The immortal jellyfish, eh? Not something everyone will immediately visualize, with the title -- without the research, I saw the bloom as one of a generic species. And if this title is meant as a sort of association to the immortal jellyfish, well, it's too obscure to really work, and I think such an association is good enough to be more than a little secret.

jellyfish bloom,
small moons that draw her mind from the shore, This is nice.
neural stingers shooting blanks, muscle with no memory This would be fair if the stingers had a more direct effect to the metaphor -- she 'watches' the jellyfish, so I don't imagine the stinging of the jellies would affect her, and thus, this won't really relate. Unless it's established that, metaphorically, she's in the same waters, which could be clarified, and which would add a bit of nice meaning to the poem from the onset that could work. 
(she tries) This doesn't add anything

no electricity, just chemicals
smoothing her beach into glass, "Her beach"? Eh? This sudden switching of metaphors just leads to confusion here. A comparison to old age could be gleaned, sure, and that's pretty neat, but even with the earlier line, there's still no good connection between the two metaphors here. Better to associate this idea directly into the already established imagery of the jellies -- something like "oh how the jellies move down the currents / like the passing of time and youth", but of course with more style and less stereotype.
wrinkles left for oversize tees and oversized. And I don't tend to associate glass or fiery chemicals to wrinkles -- especially when it's sand, already quite wrinkly, being turned into glass, typically very smooth.
hospital smocks 

this ocean is a pool This thought simply doesn't connect -- it adds a layer that, ultimately, means nothing.
she swirls around,  This would be far better presented early on, as is noted earlier.
a toilet wasting everything, This doesn't make any sense. Is she the toilet, or is it the ocean?
a child splashing This sort of clarifies the metaphor, but not in a solid enough way to make the poem work. A more direct ending would work here, especially so if you focused on the jellyfish bloom metaphor, and removed most other clarifications and competing images.

[Leanne]

Please remember that this is Mild Critique, folks

[heslopian]

Turritopsis dohrnii
jellyfish bloom,
small moons that draw her mind from the shore,
neural stingers shooting blanks, muscle with no memory I like this line because it implies so much with such a small and precise observation. As there's no complex consciousness driving the jellyfish, its muscles don't remember previous exertions. (Tell me if that interpretation is wildly off-base! I'll still think the line is fantastic.)
(she tries)

no electricity, just chemicals
smoothing her beach into glass, Elegant imagery.
wrinkles left for oversize tees and
hospital smocks Reading this poem a second time, I think you're referring to people other than the narrator with the last two lines of this verse. Other people grow old and wrinkle, but the girl never does, like an Annabel Lee figure.

this ocean is a pool
she swirls around,  
a toilet wasting everything, I'm not sure I like "toilet" here; it's too ugly and aggressive a word to fit with the sweet, calm, and elegant images you've been making. The more feminine "toilette", perhaps?
a child splashing

My feedback is purely JMHO. Thank you for the read, jkprry